Haunted by Past
Hello everybody. I'm new to this forum. I have a reason I just joined this forum...this forum totally new for me.
I have an issue I'd like to ask...and a forum where I can be anonymous, surrounded by people interested in meditation and stuff seems to be the place for me to ask about my problem...it's something I find difficult to talk with "professionals"
Well, anyway. I'm a 25 years old man...I do a lot of Tai Chi and Qi Gong and now and then I do simple seated meditation in zazen, counting my breaths. Since I was a teenager I've been somehow orientated into spiritual stuff...more or less...done a bit yoga and some martial arts with more spiritual background etc...
Now there was this period in my life (about from 18-23) that I messed everything up due to depression...which naturally means drugs. Nowadays I occasionally enjoy a pint, but not that I would see it as a problem. I mostly stay sober and do my tai chi.
Okay..now you might be thinking that what's this guy's problem then...well it's sorta more of a question that I don't know if it's an issue anyway...but since I find myself interested in all kinds of "spiritual" stuff and I'm also orientated in science...I find my eyes and vision interesting but also hard to understand.
The issue has been travelling my mind for a long time, but it wasn't til yesterday that I met an old friend, she started talking about auras. And I told her that I had been seeing auras around people the week before, and not only around people, actually around furniture also, depending where I stare at. But I immidiately explained that I don't see auras, they are just a mixture of my wild past and sleeping bad (I had been sleeping the whole week pretty bad)...but she was convinced that I have a gift and blah blah...
Well...the point of me writing here is not to be convinced to be a spiritual person who sees auras...it's more of my problem of having a pretty vivid visual field some days...and even if I've been sleeping well, usually if I stare at any spot more than a few seconds, I see very tiny tiny vibration in it...hard to explain...Eckhart Tolle claims material is always alive, but I doubt that's the reason why I see what I see.
I must say...that even before my wild drug years, I've always been very sensitive to light, and my mother has been diagnosed with "mild migraine." I usually like to spend more time in dark, especially I hate those bright lamps in office buildings and schools...glowing this too shiny light. I don't remember the "vibration" before my wild years...although I have had a few very similar experiences to migraine, without the head ache and nausea...as a teenager. My wildest trip was in a super market as a 15-year old kid, sober, just very stressed...my teacher had adviced me to go check my eyes, because I couldn't see the blackboard suddenly...and then suddenly in the supermarket everything was...very very vivid, I think it was because of I was hghly sensitive to stress that time.
This thing I'm asking help for doesn't really make much trouble for me, or at all...actually, the only trouble comes from my own mind, when I start to think "Have I ruined something in my brain permanently?" Especially when I've slept bad, I have more of this phanomena...but even then I can act and operate clearly and efficiently...
Then again, many people I know who do meditation and stuff have also experienced more this kind of stuff, or then they have just become more sensitive to it...they don't worry about it since it's clear that in their situation it's totally natural...in my case there's always the chance that it has nothing to do with my spiritual hobbies...and it's only do to chemicals from history (usually referred to as flashbacks, well you probably know). It's also interesting that when I was in my first zen-meditation course...after the first session the teacher asked if anybody had any visuals while staring at the wall...nobody answered but he then himself said that "It's very natural, that when everything is quiet, the mind starts to create it's own visual things to beat boredom.
This is somewhat a difficult issue to me, since I can't talk about this to my friends (who might take drugs, they are too defensive), nor to the people who meditate in my life, cause they don't have the same past as me...nor to "normal" people...because they judge and worry too much about my sanity which annoys me...and I've only had bad experiences with doctors and psychiatrists.
I'm not a totally depressed guy, and I do admit that I did have a lot of fun back then...I've nowadays been diagnosed "totally healthy" with very good condition since I exercise a lot...but I guess I can still be the mr. bad example of "drugs are bad...mmmmmkay?"...don't do as I did which I'm naturally supposed to say here.
Yesterday after tai chi...I had a wonderful feeling in my body...I really felt good and well and alive...I was waiting for the train to take me home when I suddenly noticed some vibration in my vision again...at that time it didn't really matter...but today I've been thinking about it again.
I appreciate any answers I get from you...to me writing is also therapy so this is already helping.
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