Creating positive change when parents and family members are still negative

ElizabethH · August 22nd, 2011, 00:53

I would love any suggestions on how to grow and become more positive while my parents and family members are still stick in negative emotions and behaviors. I could see them less but I do love them. This all is also magnified because my mom has been fighting terminal cancer and the doctor is suggesting hospice so health is getting more serious. I have tried to stay positive and supportive through all of this but it is starting to wear me out. Especially when I see the continued stress and anger coming from my dad which is not going to help my mom get better nor does it help with her quality of life. Would love any thoughts.

Mr Monkey · August 23rd, 2011, 01:05

Hi Elizabeth,

I’m sorry to hear of your mother’s health, you have my sympathies.

One of the only things that can be done is to try to not build drama into this difficult time. I have found this thread which I hope will be of some help to you: Click Here

With regard to your dad, I would guess his anger is due to his deep love for your mum and his feelings about losing her, which in turn is temporarily blinding him from truly being there for her. Perhaps you could try calmly just saying what you have said here that “it is not going to help my mom get better nor does it help with her quality of life”. Maybe asking him what his worries are, if you find out maybe you can help him address them with the result of making the environment better for your mum. Alternatively you could ask a nurse to have a gentle word with him in the same vein.

With regard to you feeling worn out my suggestions would be, don’t bottle things up – if you feel like you need to cry, cry don’t ignore your emotions. Try to find good friend to confide in (or post to this forum) to get things off your mind (it should help to clear some of those repetitive thoughts/worries), also exercise can help to reduce stress so ensuring you do a reasonable amount may help you too.

In honesty I don’t really feel qualified to answer but wanted to at least try, as a minimum I hope my post comes across in the right way.

Finally, welcome to the community

.

Wishing you well.
Paul

GilesC · August 23rd, 2011, 15:58

I second everything Paul said, and couldn't have put it better myself.

Remember Paul, you don't need any qualifications to speak truthfully.

Hugs

Giles

Boris Badenov · August 24th, 2011, 02:13

From my experience of things, your father may well be feeling 'fear of rejection' concerning your mothers health. If she passes, he'll feel rejected. He'll need to come to terms with that.

MetaCognition · August 24th, 2011, 04:47

It is really tough sometimes. Both of my parents are EXTREMELY negative people (who are divorced/loveless/friendless). My mom is a lot better than my dad, as she tries to listen to the LAO,stuff I tell her about quantum physics, and the power of affirmations, but no matter what, she always reverts back to the same excuses.

Some recurring ones are: I'm stuck in the life I've created for myself, I'm too old to change things now (she's only 49 by the way), I will never find anyone that loves me because of where I live/my age/my looks/whatever excuse of the day is, this stuff can work for you because you are young but you can't understand anything from my position in life, my responsibilities keep me where I am, this is who I am, blah blah blah blah.

Her points are not invalid, nor is she depressed, she has just completely accepted mediocrity and it's rather painful to watch. At least she supports me and never puts me down.

My father is a complete mess and his list of excuses extend to infinity. Everything and everyone else is always to blame for what goes wrong in his life (which seems to be everything). He has no friends at all and lives a sad, miserable life alone. Though he tries to be supportive, his subconscious negativity always shines through whenever I try to just point out the positives of life.

So how does one deal with this? All you can do is live your life the way you want, and maintain the positive mindset despite the fact that family members are living in a radically different universe from the one you are creating. In time, I hope that they can see, but it's their choice, not mine.

ElizabethH · August 27th, 2011, 07:08

Thanks so much Paul, Giles and Boris. Stress makes me feel out of control at times. I just started using LifeFlow 2 weeks ago. Up until 2 days ago I slept through most of it. Mainly due to the habit of using holosynch for 5+ years where Bill harris says it still works even if you sleep. I have realized recently meditation just like exercise takes effort if you want to get anything out of it. SO much for short cuts! I know this challenging time with my mom's health and the way everyone in my family is responding will help me be a stronger person in the end. Thank you for the feedback and support.

pollyanna · August 30th, 2011, 16:12

Hi there Elizabeth,

I am really sorry to hear about your mother. You have been given some great advice already and I would just like to offer you a link to how LifeFlow really helped Shelley to cope with a very worrying situation:-

LifeFlow10 got me through

Meditating with LifeFlow will help you to be more present, which will hopefully help both you and your parents. I wish you much peace and joy

starfields · October 17th, 2011, 23:18

Hi Elizabeth! In a similar situation I came across these words from a Tibetan Master of yore. When I held them in my mind, some kind of miracle happened and some help came that led the situation towards a solution. As it turned out it was concerning my mother and had it been a bit late worse would have followed.
So here goes:

Six Words of Advice from Tilopa

Let go of what has passed.
Let go of what may come.
Let go of what is happening now.
Don't try to figure anything out.
Don't try to make anything happen.
Relax, right now, and rest.

era1213 · October 24th, 2011, 17:13

Hi ElizabethH!

You have to remind yourself that worrying is a negative feeling – and negative feelings attract negative situations. But there are also situations that you are allowed to “worry.” You can actually worry about good things. Like for example, I’m worried about how I’m going to spend $10,000 dollars which I’m about to receive. Worry is a negative feeling – and a powerful one. So instead of worrying and thinking of problems, think of the good things instead. Remember that you can worry but worry only about the good things.