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Serious question

Discussion in 'Mind, Body & Spirit' started by Panthau, Apr 21, 2009.

  1. Panthau

    Panthau Member

    Hi there.

    I´d not post this anywhere else, but the people on this board are incredible, so maybe someone is able to push me in the right direction.
    If you dont want to read all that text, just go down to the conclusio :)

    I just had an insight in my meditation, which seems so bright and clear, but i just oversaw it the last 10 years. The way i am and feel was always a problem to me (and to others). I didnt "worked" like other people work, i always was overstrained with everything. Still i got a wonderful wife and son :)

    I always thought that its my childhood and some traumatic experiences are the problem and so i did a lot to release those old things. That was a lot of work till today and a lot has happened. Still this problem with beeing overstrained hasnt changed a bit.
    The last 10 years i didnt had a constant job. I was just not able to do a full time job, because it overstrained me. Today im self employed and can take free time whenever i need it (so i did the last two days). I spent every free minute on my pc, most times playing something...i always feel secure behind my pc and not overstrained...the irony with that is, that those games always overstrained me but i didnt saw it. I stopped that all a few weeks ago and try now to not overstrain me (its hard, i always want to "do" something), besides my meditating every day, which makes me a lot more stable.

    So the last weeks and days it was getting better and better. Saturday my son had First Communion. I was afraid of this day, because it meant to be with a lot of people and we had planned to go up the "Donauturm" which is a tower of 256m and i have agoraphobia. So i was a bit strained the days before. So after we were on the Donauturm, we went to the Prater, which is an amusement park. Because my son wanted me to, i did something like a whirligig with him, which was not easy for me because of my agoraphobia.
    At this point, i was heavily overstrained. Most problem was the noise coming from all sides.

    Since saturday, i feel like a horse had hit me. Depressions, anxiety, feeling "next" to me. Now this led me to where i am now...these problems seem to be mostly because im just a hyper sensible person, i just never came to this thought. My childhood and my personality (im strong and nothing can harm me) seem to intesify it, also that i dont feel my limits very well, because of the mask that im "immortal". Maybe im a little bit authistic or something, i dont know.

    So i thought the best way to help myself is to keep on meditating, reduce impulses from outside as good as possible, and, i think the most important part, changing the perception of me and with that, how others see me...to "work" good enough that i can at least do my job and be there for my family.

    But all this doesnt change the fact that i am like i am. So my question is, does someone have a clue what im talking about and has hints how to improve my situation?

    The last 8 years my family didnt had that much from me, because of always beeing heavily overstrained. Now things are changing...with the help of lifeflow :)

    Thank you,
    Last edited: Apr 21, 2009
  2. GilesC

    GilesC Member

    Hiya Pan :)

    I do have a clue what you're talking about, so be assured you are talking sense. hehe!

    It seems to me, aside from your past issues that I know you have been working on from what you have said here and on other threads, that your main issue is the art of being present; or not being present as it seems to be at the moment.

    You find solace in meditation because this stills the mind, and that's a good indicator of the fact that when you are not meditating your mind is keeping very active. (It is better to consider that it is your mind that is keeping you active rather than you keeping an active mind because our true self is ever peaceful, but we tend to associate ourselves as being our minds, yet it is the mind taking control of us and making us believe this - Have a read of Ekhart Tolle's "The Power Of Now" if you want to understand more about that).

    Obviously we can't meditate all day long (nice idea though) because we do have other things we have to get on and do. One of the exercises I have learnt to do (Taught as part of a Practical Philosophy course I've been attending), is something simply called The Exercise. It's primary purpose is to take us away from the thoughts of the mind and bring our focus back to the present moment. The good thing is it only takes a minute or two to do and you can slip it in when you notice you're getting an overactive mind and just need a time-out.

    It goes like this:

    First let the mind be free of any concern or preoccupation
    Let the mind fall still and come to rest within
    Be aware of where you are now
    Feel the touch of your feet on the ground
    The weight of the body on the chair
    Feel the touch of the clothes on the skin
    And the play of air on the face and hands
    If they are open, let the eyes receive colour and form without any comment
    Be fully here
    Now be aware of hearing
    Let sounds be received and let them rise and fall as they will without comment or judgement of any kind
    With the body completely relaxed, let the hearing run right out to the furthest and gentlest sounds, embracing all.
    Simply rest in this great awareness for a few moments

    This exercise allows us to connect with out senses which we know operate in the present moment so it is a great way to bring ourselves back into the present. It's a little like a very short meditation but rather than going inward it simply connects outwardly. At first it can seem a little lengthy, but if you read through it a few times you will see that it starts at the feet and moves up the body, going through the various senses and ending up with the hearing where you should remain for a while.

    So, that's the first thing you can do to help yourself come back into the present moment.

    Of course, some people even find it troublesome to put aside a couple of minutes to do such an exercise, so there is a shortened version.. The course simply calls this The Pause..

    First let the mind be free of any concern or preoccupation
    Let the mind fall still and come to rest within
    Now connect with the sense of hearing and simply rest in this great awareness for a few moments

    This can be done in just 15-20 seconds and is ideal for doing before and after any task. e.g. When you get into your car, just Pause and bring yourself to the present moment before turning on the engine and driving (it will make you more alert and aware of the driving and less likely to be distracted by thoughts). Likewise, before or after any task.

    Finally, the third thing that can help us to become more aware of the present moment is to do something even smaller than the Pause. If we can remember, we can simply connect with our senses at any moment. i.e. connect with the sense of your fingers on the keyboard of your computer as you hit the keys, connect with the touch of the pen as you pick it up, the sense of the water as it touches your lips, the sense of the sound of the birds singing, etc. etc.

    Connecting with the senses is a great way to make us present and helps us to reduce the chatter of the mind.

    Hope that's helpful


  3. bashmaki

    bashmaki Member


    I think in a few words what you are saying is; much of the time you feel out of touch or out of place with your surroundings. There are many humans that can relate to that if they would stop long enough to realize it.

    Thing is brother; you are to be commended for the realizations you have come up with. Many live very long lives never realizing what is going on within themselves nor around them.

    Henry David Thoreau said, "Most men lead lives of quiet desperation."

    Pan you've proven that this ain't you! Brother it ain't me either!

    I might be desperate but be damned if I'm going to be quiet about it! I couldn't settle for desperation, man!

    I don't know what can work for you but I do know what works for me. Mostly I feel like I've stumbled onto much of what has helped me. I suppose all the pieces actually fit together like one of those puzzles you find in a box; they actually all create a mosaic picture that makes a great deal of sense in the end.

    Meditation, which you already do, helps a great deal.

    Along with this I write. Sometimes I write online in this form or sometimes I write in a tablet. Getting thoughts down on paper can help one determine where one is and which direction one is headed.

    Contemplation can be coordinated along with writing in some ways and is always helpful in gaining insight into who/what one aspires to be or who/what one is.

    The above are coordinated efforts of the spirit and mind and are important. However, we are spiritual beings living a physical existence and therefor need to relate to our bodies as well. We must know these bodies intimately and learn to care for them. Learn to recognize individual parts and how these parts feel from the perspective of the spirit.
    By the above I mean can you lie down on your back and feel what your skin feels like against the floor. Can you close your eyes and feel what your eyes feel like against your eyelids when they are closed. Can you lie down and feel your kidneys and what they feel like; where their location is?
    Can you feel the air as it fills your lungs or can you feel the beating of your heart as it pumps life throughout the body you inhabit.

    There are many things you can do to improve the relationship between the mind,body and spirit. You can start by walking vigorously daily. Then maybe running for a time.
    You could take a yoga class. This I can't stress enough. A good Yoga instructor will teach you to love your body and your relationship to it.
    Bicycling is a wonderful way to get to know ones body and its strengths and limitations.
    Challenge your body and find out what its strengths and weakness are. Capitalize on the body's strengths and improve its weaknesses. Learn to except its limitations and love it for what it can teach you about itself as well as the mind & spirit.

    You can never truly know what you are without learning all you can about the home you inhabit.

    Hope this helps some,
  4. Panthau

    Panthau Member

    You´re so right! Im not "in me" most of the times, because i always feel how others feel and whats going on around me but not whats going on "in me". My mind is so damn active, it feels like a radio with reception problems (even more when im stressed).
    I think i really gotta be self-disciplined with me, with learning to be more "in me". Ill print that "Exercise" from you GilesC, and pin it on my wall, it sounds usefull!
    Im totaly lazy when it comes to my body...i often thought about yoga, but most good teachers are really expensive. Anyway, there was always and there will always be a way *g*

    Thanx for your perceptions guys, they lead me in the right direction. A direction i already knew and began to follow, but then lost it somehow. I sometimes have insights, but when i forget about them i get a slap (maybe more a knockdown) to remind me...

    Thanx again,
  5. bashmaki

    bashmaki Member


    I've never found yoga to be very expensive. Even when I was working in Sacramento California. The group sessions were only7 dollars US. I went once or twice a week and practiced on my own the rest of the week. In the mid-west USA, where I live, they are only Five dollars US. That's less than a meal out. Or, in the USA where we are personally responsible for buying our own medications, if you consider the cost of medication it is cheap.

    Many places have specials for newcomers. Nine days for 15 dollars US or something similar to that. You would be surprised what a decent yoga instructor can teach you in 9 days.

    What I found is that; in those nine days your body already begins to change and so does your relationship to it. In essence you become hooked on yoga. I always like to go back to a class once a week or so when I can. Keep searching out these beginner deals from Instructors until you find an instructor that clicks with you and then keep going back to that one once in awhile.

  6. Panthau

    Panthau Member

    Thanx for your tips bashmaki, maybe i just didnt found a good "and" cheap yoga class yet. The prices here (austria), where i got the feeling that its a good class, are between 35 and 80 euro an hour.
    Im sure there is something suitable for me, but i never searched very intensive, because im just so lazy! I started with Aikido and KungFu, but gave up after a few months...its so exhausting lol.

    I remembered a so called "rave chart" from the "Human Design System", where someone explaind to me years ago, that my "stress center" (the white one right bottom on the picture) is undefined and so open to everything from outside. This makes now sense to me, though i dont know how serious someone can take this system and how to handle an open "center". Just wanted to mention it, as i remembered it and had that old picture from it (made a new one now in english http://exec.at/philchart.jpg ).

  7. John

    John Member

    Hi Pan
    Have you ever discussed the issue with your doctor or psychologist and perservered with any counselling ,prescribed treatment or any practical techniques offered ? From what you say it has been going on for some time and would therefore appearthere is no "quick fix "
    Also avoiding stimulants such as coffee may also help to relax you as well as getting enough quality sleep , meditating etc
    Good lick
  8. islovin

    islovin Member

    Serious Answer!!!


    Many people turn to meditation for many reasons and your reasons seem to be some haunting childhood experience/s and/or event/s.

    It sounds to me that you suffer from PTSD. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I am not a doctor or a therapist but I recognize the symptoms because I too suffer from this.

    I strongly believe that meditation which is largely an eastern philosophy should be combined with western psychology. It is all well and good to tell someone they must live in the "NOW". But what if you don't know what it is, that is keeping you from experiencing the "NOW" or what it is that is keeping you from experiencing the "NOW" they way you want to experience the "NOW."

    This means that we must go back there...in order to get "HERE" ....we must go back there. You need not stay there, but you can not repress or disown your past. It will come out in unconscious and negative ways.

    It is probably a good idea to do this with a professional.

    I have been in therapy and now based on what I learned through exploring my past I can use meditation in a whole new way. When I become the observer of my thoughts...I am now understanding why I make some of the associations that I make. It truly is... a liberating, freeing exercise.

    Try it....you will be glad that you did.

    Hope this helps.

    Last edited: Jun 25, 2009
  9. daisy3

    daisy3 Member

    I'm just a biginner and don't have a great deal to help you out with.I've been in the same boat and am just stepping out of it.I know the feeling and it's not a great place to be in.You have great suggestions from incredible people like Giles basmaki and others.I totally agree with basmaki's idea of knowing ourselves better because we live in the physical world.knowledge makes a great deal of difference to our understanding of ourselves inorder to go ahead and find the solution to problems we face.

    you might want to look into HSP.
    According to HSP Study: 20% of the population are highly sensitive.
    the characterists says they
    . become stressed out and upset when overwhelmed and may find it necessary to get away, maybe into a darkened room, to seek solitude, relief and comfort.

    . are very creative.

    .are very conscientious, hard working, and meticulous, but may become uncomfortable and less efficient or productive when being watched or scrutinized.

    .feel compelled to file and organize things and thoughts, also enjoy simplicity and may become overwhelmed or even immobilized by chaos, clutter, or stress.

    . are very uncomfortable when feeling things are getting out of your control.

    .get a sense of comfort and well being when around a lake, river, stream, the ocean, or even a fountain.

    . may experience mood swings, sometimes occurring almost instantly and can also be affected by other people's moods, emotions and problems.

    . have a deep, rich, inner life, are very spiritual, and may also have vivid dreams.

    .are very intuitive and you feel that you can usually sense if someone isn't telling the truth or if something else is wrong.

    . get concerned and think or worry about many things, and have also been told "you take things too personally."

    . have had the experience of "cutting people out" of your life.

    . were considered quiet, introverted, timid, or shy as a child
    If you are intersested to know more you can log on to the site below
    www.youtube.com/watch?v=o4gnoReKgD4.You can then link into different self help exercises from there but at the end of the day the arrow will lead you to meditation.

    You have brilliant awareness suggestions from giles.
    Edwin's awareness exercise did wonders for me, believe me it will bring you
    home in seconds. I think you've read it before but i know how you can't find anything when you need it .if you want to try out I'm passing you edwin's

    "Ly down as comfortably as possible.
    Slowly bring your focus towards your breathing, follow it as it goes in-out-in-out. Feel the air going through your chest, your nostrils, the feeling of fresh air filling your lungs. Try to expand your belly while you inhale. Try instead of exhaling with force, to just relax your chest and belly, let it flow out by pure gravity.
    Now feel your entire body, your hands and feet, try to feel the life resonating inside them. Don't try to think about it, just try to observe it as if there is a distance between your mind and your body. All this should be effortless. Try to find tensions in your muscles, head, limbs and just observe them. Then go to your gratitude exercise.
    During your gratitude exercise, try to keep the awareness on your body as well. just faintly in the background while you do your gratitude exercise.
    After having done this for a few days, try to maintain this awareness in your daily life as well. about 20 % on your body, the rest on work, home, family.."

    what ever you do please read Echart Tolle's "The power of Now" it helps.In fact i feel this is a must read book for beginners.The new earth is brilliant as
    take care pan and keep posting to let us know how you get on.
  10. daisy3

    daisy3 Member

    Sorry pan
    ignore the above youtube site.Just google highly sensitive people and carry on fronm there.meanwhile if i come up with anything will post it for you.
    Last edited: Jun 25, 2009
  11. Panthau

    Panthau Member

    Hi again,

    Sorry for my late reply, i just forgot about my own thread... *blush*

    John & islovin: i made more then 1 psychotherapy, but sadly that didnt help with that.
    I was abused 10 years in my childhood, and everyone´s saying that this "has" to cause serious problems in my mind. The fact that im writing about it like what i was eating today leds me to the conclusion that ive been over it or i just splitted it off...im not sure if in the end this could cause all my imbalance. Though its getting better with my meditation.
    Maybe no psychotherapist can ever help me when i have no access to what happend to me.

    daffodil: not every point from a hsp is analogue to how i feel, some are very different.
    The point with creativity...i was unbelievable creative when i was a child, i was great at imagine things and always thought i would be a good stage director or something, but that is gone now. Seems like theres nothing left of it, and im hoping to get something back through meditation. Thanks for the book hint, ill order it when im finished with the 3 next books about dmt and obe´s!

    islovin: from what i´ve read is a "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder" something which causes backflashes from a traumatic experience, mainly caused by situations which recall those memories. I cannot say that i suffer from something like this (luckily).
    May i ask...how do you exeperience your "PTSD"?

    Just a word to my lifeflow experience: level 10 definitly clears an emotional layer, its really funny to watch. When im listening to level 9 for a few minutes or have a more stressfull experience, i just need to listen to 10 and it comes up. Still not able to listen to 9 for more then one day a week...seems like theres a lot of hidden emotions.

    Thanks for your replies for someone in the world wide web.. :)
  12. seatrend8899

    seatrend8899 Member


    Hi Pan,
    Post today by our, I am sure you would agree, very respected forum member caught my attention. The main point being OOBE efforts that can perhaps sabotage meditation practices aimed at self healing.

    Just an observation born from concern.

    shine on

  13. islovin

    islovin Member

    My Story


    First, I want to give you a big hug.

    Second, I will share a little bit about my story with you and others on this forum because I think it will be helpful.

    Pan you ask me how I experienced my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder PTSD here’s how:

    My abuse, although sexual in nature, was what I would consider to be mild. Even though I was sexually abused by a relative at 10 years old, I never recognize this as abuse because in my mind, I thought it was consensual, because he was only 12. BUT…How can you consent to a sexual “relationship” at 10 years old? I never recognized this as abuse until 3 years ago. 3 years ago I had, what I call an emotional flashback. The reason I say it was an emotional flashback was because …I never forgot… any of the events. What I did forget was how it made me feel. My flashbacks were emotional in nature, the flood of emotions, as to how I felt at 10 years old is what I needed to get in touch with. I think the reason I had these flashbacks 3 years ago was because I was finally ready to deal with my incest issues. BTW…I have never had one since and doubt I ever will…it served its purpose.

    Flashbacks are only one symptom of PTSD. Some people don’t have flashbacks. Pan, your panic/anxiety attacks may actually be flashbacks.

    Another symptom of PTSD is Dissociative Disorder. I suffer from this. I dissociate from my feelings. Or as you put it, I split from my feelings. I used to joke that it would take me a week/month/year/30 years to know how I was feeling at any given moment. I do not feel my feelings as they are happening.(this is improving) I also, do not cry in front of people. I am afraid to show my emotions and vulnerability in front of people because I believe that it shows that I am weak and that if I show my weakness I will be abused or taken advantage of.

    Severe cases of Dissociative Disorder can cause a split personality.

    Pan, No therapist ever helped me heal. It is up to me to heal. It is up to me to “go there.” It is up to me to see how the abuse affected me. Only I can know how I make certain associations, only I can figure out why I react automatically to certain triggers, past and present. The only thing a good therapist will do is help keep me on track to reach my own goal of healing. I have just recently ended therapy and am now using meditation to take me the rest of the way. (the rest of the way is the rest of my life …. don’t think I am going to pay a therapist the rest of my life)

    Bill Harris says in his blogs, which are incredible, “It’s all about Awareness….and awareness is different then knowing something.” He is absolutely correct.

    Awareness brings about not only the fact that we have a choice, but awareness also brings about ALL of the choices and awareness brings about all of the consequences that go with each of those choices. This awareness allows us to make better choices in any given situation.

    Meditation brings about awareness. LifeFlow speeds up this process by taking us into deeper levels of awareness faster. This may be the reason level 9 is so uncomfortable for you. You may not be ready.

    Pan, we all have slightly different situations…or as my Aunt would say…The details are different, but the feelings are all the same.

    We all know what our issues are:

    I think the questions are:

    Are we aware of what triggers us?

    Are we aware of how we react to those triggers?

    I know you are working very hard to heal. I commend you for this and I support you whole heartedly. If anything I have said helps you, then it is my pleasure in sharing these very intimate details about my life with you.

    Lots of Love

    Last edited: Jun 26, 2009
  14. GilesC

    GilesC Member


    Can I just say that your post, IMHO, is perfectly spot on.

    I know some therapists who do believe that they give healing, but unfortunately their ego is the problem here and they take peoples money with little in the way of positive results from their treatments, unless the client is working hard themselves to self heal. A good therapist knows that they are a supportive tool of the client and it is up to the client to want to heal and it is entirely up to the client how to undergo that healing.

    Awareness, like you say, brings about the choices for how we want to heal. Lack of awareness means that we are being controlled by our minds; not being in the present moment; letting our discursive and judgemental mind (influenced by past events) influence our present moment and cloud over what is really there in front of us. Stilling the mind through meditation removes this discursive mind, blowing away the clouds that cover the true light of awareness beyond. Sometimes the clouds are thick and we only get glimpses of the light shining through, but the more we practice, the thinner those layers of cloud become and eventually we can see that the light is always there and let it guide us.

    All Love and Hugs

  15. I agree whole-heartedly with Giles and Irene. So many people "try" to self-heal, but really are just medication-hopping and not actually re-examining their lifestyles and life-decisions. But you definitely are taking steps in the right direction. Even if progress seems slow, you will get there, while the rest of those who aren't really doing anything won't. I'm excited to see how life changes for you, as with many others in this community I'm sure.
  16. Panthau

    Panthau Member

    You really dont like OBE´s, dont you jim? :D
    Im just reading books atm, so no worries...but thanx for your hint anyway.

    islovin: Thanks for sharing your story. Im happy for you, that you could release those surpressed feelings!

    Im getting aware of more and more things since i started with meditation, and its interesting how i forget about it and then remember it again, when certain situations trigger something. At one point it stays in my mind...like a child that doesnt understand things the first time *gg*
    I missed those "getting aware of something" the last 10 years. I had that before and now it came back...i think its mainly because i want and im ready to change something.
    Seems like its the only thing why we´re here. Just to get aware of how we function and how this world functions. And it seems like we dont get any hints on that...we have to find it on our own.

    Thanks for your words oldrobotsneverrust (dont they?!). I think even those who make the wrong descissions and go the wrong way are learning something.

    Someone should fabricate an inner navigation system that tells us the right direction...i couldnt get anywhere without that one in my car lol

  17. seatrend8899

    seatrend8899 Member

    OBEs....no fear...respect....

    Hi Pan,
    The OBE stuff is interesting for sure though let's just say that I have a healthy respect for things that are "unexplainable". In my youngers days there were two times that I dreamed vividly in the very same grain as member "Karen". I did in fact read a good amount of Karen's posts and content on her blog and found some aspects that warrant a certain cautionary leeway. Humans through the centuries in every corner of the world have "observed" unexplainable occurences. It just seems an area that I for one can not make any judgement one way or the other (on the subject of the paranormal). And as per Karen's observations and experiences which may all be totally "organic" as in the brain "producing" these "trips" just the involvement of effort in this pursuit may "detract" from the healthy essence of meditation. :)

    In closing, just a huge kudos to the many caring people that have posted on this thread. Your courage meshed with compassion for others well in a word....amazing :).

    shine on

  18. Ta-tsu-wa

    Ta-tsu-wa Member

    Jackpot, Jim, I think you nailed the essence of the matter. A major stumbling block to successful meditation is "trying" too hard. Meditation is a process of "allowing", not of "making" something happen. This "allowing" is contrary to our normal way of being. We're a results oriented species and slipping out of that habitual mode of operating can be quite challenging.

    If we're relatively new to meditation we're still in the early stages of shifting away from this "results oriented" mode. Seeking to work in another practice that is specifically a results oriented practice at the same time (like trying to enter an OBE, practicing Remote Viewing, or playing with Map Dowsing,) is like trying to leave the harbor by dropping anchor. Where meditation is involved, metaphysical multi-tasking is seldom a successful approach.

    Pan, as I read over one of your posts I was struck by your tone of disappointment regarding the loss of those creative impulses you experienced when you were younger. The interesting thing about creativity is that it can be learned as easily as it can be unlearned.

    Have you ever heard the idiom, "priming the pump"? Sometimes, in order to get a water pump to work, you have to pour a little water into it from the back end, then start working the pump. Adding the water backwards in this way "primes" the pump and allows it to begin functioning normally.

    You strike me as a person with a great deal of natural curiosity. Have you ever been curious about what creative talents you may possess that have never been developed? Maybe you should explore a few different areas of creativity to see if there are some undeveloped talents you would surprise yourself with. If you were to do that I have a feeling this exercise could "prime your creative pump" and much of your former creative ability would surface once again.
  19. daisy3

    daisy3 Member

    Pan you said,
    "I was abused 10 years in my childhood, and everyone´s saying that this "has" to cause serious problems in my mind."

    They are right.As children we have powerful & strong feelings.we do not feel
    by halves, we feel fully.Looking at nature vs nurture account of theories-
    Freud, Erikson, Winnicot & J.bowlby stresses on the fact that feelings inside
    us depending on what we experience ( effects the brain in a major way) & believe becomes our reality as an adult.Our Early years experiences never leave us and effects us throughout our life. These Sometimes are called ghost of our past.
    S.Freud believed that our unconscious feelings direct the way we behave. We are, of course, not aware of these feelings and this means that we do not often know why we behave as we do in particular situation.

    "The point with creativity...i was unbelievable creative when i was a child, i was great at imagine things and always thought i would be a good stage director or something, but that is gone now. Seems like theres nothing left of it, and im hoping to get something back through meditation."

    This shows you are in the dark tunnel but have a tourch where you need to fill in with batteris the right way to light and get out . I can see your confidence and even enthusiasm for a split second where you have confirmed
    a presence of creativity in you, and NO pan i don't think "it's gone" it's just waiting to be released. Could creativity be your point of contact to awareness? what do you think?

    You might want to think about making a start to write your personal journal as Basmaki suggested , simply writing down your thoughts while listening to creative flow to pick up some pattern for topic of interest for your creative
    act ,if you find it hard to come up with an idea or interest.Otherwise think of
    what excites you. photography? painting? drawing? you mentioned being imaginative and your interest in stage directing .When you've found your point of interest you might be able to bring your awareness constantly into you.It might help you to enhance your meditation . It would also be helpful to know your learning style to adapt your best way of understanding things. if you are not sure google and attempt Honey and mumford questionnaires on line.
    You are the best person to heal yourself, Unless you do it.you won’t know. I hope it doesn’t sound offending.
    Just sharing my point of view.
  20. Panthau

    Panthau Member

    Hi again,

    Thanx for your response daffodil!

    I dont quite understand what you mean with that...please explain :)

    Thats quite funny, because i always envy (whats the past form of envy? lol) people who have a passion or a hobby they love. I never found something like that - i was always searching to find out whats the reason im here and what all this here is about. These days im near to find out *gg*

    Yesterday i was on sitting on the toilet, and something came to my mind...weird place for that expierence hehe...however, i felt and kinda saw that its all here and now. Theres no here or there or something different from me, a higher me or something...its all here at this present moment. Hard to describe, but most of you on this forum surely know what im talking about.

    The interesting part on that is, that when i tried to bring back this feeling while i was meditating, it brought my meditation to a level i never had before.

    My "learning style" seems to be reflective, from what ive read about that "Honey & Mumford – Learning Style Questionnaire".

    Thanks for sharing your wisdom with me :)

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