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Postcard on the way back from the edge

Discussion in 'Meditation Chatter Box' started by Coenrad Morgan, Oct 28, 2008.

  1. Coenrad Morgan

    Coenrad Morgan Member

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    For many years now I have been looking for a way out of "suffering",I'm an empath,what I read or see effects me and I tend to take things personaly and also carry around the emotional baggage of my experiences or those of others. As a child of an ugly divorce,I have alot of misguided assumptions and very powerfull emotional baggage through identifying with my mothers pain and as a child being powerless to help her, couldnt help myself either, just didnt have the tools,guilt is also a natural and effective tool for a single Mother at her wits end to control/discipline her teenage boy's,she used what worked,I was out of control, depressed and emotional eratic, no malice intended on her part but I live with it today, I feel guilty about everything,this camels back is creaking under the strain of getting through another day as "me",the story as Eckhart Tolle discribes the mind made self,quite frankly, I'm tired of my story and aware that it effects others.I started the search.

    I consulted clearvoyant's,prayed, sobbed, shook my fist at the big guy in the sky with the white beard I was taught about in Sunday School,what kind of twisted God would let me suffer like this,"Me" - the victum arises and I got pretty good at that role,poor me, hard done to, me vs the world. I turn to "Satanism" as a teenager,didnt actualy attend any meetings or even know a Satanist but I started to identify with the opposition as I was taught it to be because if the big guy in the sky wont help me;well then, someone else would.The angry "me" arises,gets me into alot of trouble,self mutilation starts,as "Master Yoda" in Star Wars so correctly states

    ...“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”

    At 18 I'm conscripted into the the Apartheid Regimes Army, take an angry, insecure,misguided teenager,break him in basic training for three months,give him a rifle,teach him to use it, tell him the worlds full of enemies, tell him he's worth, dress him like everyone else, give him boundaries, give him an identity that makes him belong because he now has thousands of brothers who all believe the same thing, die for your country and your a hero;the highest form of life and manliness,we all experience the same things, no one gets special treatment.For the first time in my life I "belonged somewhere".Then they send me home after 2 years into a world I don't belong in anymore without turning me back into the person who once lived in this world, there is no obvious enemy anymore,the cold war is over, apartheid is dying ( our system of "collective madness" until then as Eckhart Tolle would call it ).I cant identify with anything to tell me my worth,I cant find work reinforcing the lack of worth and feeling on the outside of society.

    "Named must your fear be before banish it you can."..Master Yoda - Star Wars

    I meet my first girlfriend at 23 and experience a torrent of firsts with her....less than 6 months later, my heart is shattered...for 3 years I live in the rear view mirror, when I finaly get out of it,3 years are gone,I'm 26 with new beliefs about my worth, and the few on relationships guides me through a series of equaly disasterous relationships,one actualy lasted 5 years, we struggled and grew together, mis-managed our finances and made all the mistakes that people make knowing no better. In this mix we loose our child, I get depressed, get robbed with a knife to my throat; new belief, your pathetic, you should have fought him,I get clinicaly depressed,the Doctor puts me on Efexor, then ups the dose to 100mg,then wants to apply shock therapy,"will it hurt?",no, you will be sedated,doctor speak for it hurts something fierce but you wont know it,"will it work?" - we dont know. Now here's the bit that finaly started waking me up,I acknowledged that I had a problem,the all important step one,realise that DENIAL IS NOT A RIVER IN EGYPT, I had a problem, it didnt only effect me, also those around me, I had to take responsibility for myself and the condition I was in, I was there when the problem started and I took part in its creation consciously or unconsciously by creating beliefs about what I was experiencing,but according to the medical community to fix this I need to pay 100's per session of theraphy, take pills that make me feel strange and look like this :eek: for the rest of my life, get somewhere around 80 000V passed through my skull AND IT MIGHT WORK you must to be kidding! The mind constructed story I call "me" clearly is a drama,and it SUCKS,time to re-write the script. Dr Phyl would rip me a fresh one,"WHAT WHERE YOU THINKING!!" he would say....and unless I became conscious, I couldnt answer him, i didnt know, it just happened somehow, day by day, thought by thought, but I must take responsibility

    "Do or do not. There is no try." - Master Yoda - Star Wars

    Over the years I have read books, watched Oprah when she had a spiritual related topic on the show, I developed the Knowledge but couldn't transcend that theory to what Wayne Dyer and Deepak Chopra call Knowing,the difference between looking at the moon for 39 years, googling the facts about it and being Neil Armstrong,for him its a place he has been, not just read about, he has knowing from experience, he has the tactile full picture of what it is, what it feels like and how to get there,exactly where it is beyond my up there in the sky perspective. The more I read the more I knew but life went as it has always gone,bumpy and I find myself constantly reacting,pushing the hours at work, at times 18 or more hours, 3 days and 2 nights straight.I became prone to illness,all out effort brings a peak of financial relief followed by the downward spiral of a tired body and mind,self defeating, I couldnt maintain the pace,my coping mechanism -determined, all out, aggressive effort. The "A-hole" arises and is perfected, still no peace,dont have time, goals and objectives, collateral damage is acceptable I have become like that manic squirrel in the movie "Ice Age",always striving,never arriving
     
    Last edited: Oct 28, 2008
  2. Coenrad Morgan

    Coenrad Morgan Member

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    Part 2

    I attend a TM introduction, having heard about it....HERE IT IS,there's this state called consciousness represented by the bottom of a pond, it is still, it is fed by Universal and plugs into collective consciousness, its the real you, the one that was never born and can never die,its always at peace and is all knowing,AND YOU CAN MAKE CONTACT WITH IT and as the Rev. Dr. David Beckworth puts it so beatifully in "The Secret"

    “I believe that you’re great, that there’s something magnificent about you. Regardless of what has happened to you in your life, regardless of how young or how old you think you might be, the moment you begin to think properly, this something that is within you, this power within you that’s greater than the world, it will begin to emerge. It will take over your life. It will feed you, it will clothe you, it will guide you, protect you, direct you, sustain your very existence. If you let it! Now that is what I know, for sure.”
    "

    Here is a tool beyond theory something to make contact with it and "let it",you cant solve a problem using the same approach that caused it, Einstein said.I had to loose the "me" in the head that simply couldnt fix what it had caused from its limited, belief driven perspective and let the "me" in the heart take over, then the price tag follows.Im in debt to the extent where I have to unplug my phone at work, avoid the mailbox,getting medical help was intended to fix me, not break the bank and as a result my peace of mind,treating depression under fire, not going to work,neither is conscious contact with "God",Consciousness,"The Source" for sale,if I had the money, I would have paid for it.Enter the victum again,God's playing with me,carrot on a stick, always out there, never reached,if its not one thing, its another.

    "The dark side clouds everything. Impossible to see the future is...;Always in motion is the future." - Master Yoda - Star Wars

    Years go by in a flash, I surviving, not thriving,I become jaded,seen "The Secret", read that, done this;so what? Ive resigned myself to the way it is, not accepting it, still resisting it but not seeing an end in sight. I'm so tired of the "Spiritual" / "Self Improvement" industry, everything I read is Knowledge, a mass of sign boards between here and there but never a destination in sight, you buy this and half way though, they say "well, this will help but if you want the full picture,you need to buy this or attend that", on and on it goes,trapped as a spiritual seeker on a spiritual journey without a defined destination;....that book hasnt been published yet :confused:, never a spiritual finder. I was so closed off that I didnt listen to the faint whispers of truth that did come my way;a fascilitator at a course mentioning this book "The Power of Now",the local Tibetian Buddhist Monk who taught me to follow my breath,the Thai Buddhist Monk who taught me to repeat a mantra whether walking, working or meditating;"pu - toe, pu - toe".I had become tired,shut off, jaded,its pointless, your born, you struggle, win / loose, then drop over dead.Why could Eckhart Tolle spontaniously wake up or "enlighten" to the truth, why could Neale Donald Walsch have a conversation with God but I couldn't,maybe it was that the teachers where there and the student was not yet ready,my Mom once said something that started making sense,"spirit will knock you down and go to the extent of almost drowning you if they must, they will stop when you start listening".

    "Always with you what cannot be done - [Luke:] I can’t believe it. [Yoda:] That is why you fail." Master Yoda - Star Wars

    My mind finaly just resigned to "Sh** Happens",I am ill, "Yuppy flu",I quit my job as the combination of me and it is killing me,7 days a week against the odds,one financial crisis after another,I give up,I get to see the movie "The way of the peacefull warrior" based on the work of Dan Millman, where the teacher tells the student - "take out the trash",the trash in his mind, what ever is between him and "this moment".Suddenly Eckhart Tolle's work starts making sense,the words of Lao Tzu in the Toa Te Ching starts ringing true via Wayne Dyer who is now also making sense,Im at my weakest,life is still as it has been for so long,I still get threats in the mail, I still don't have the money to keep the wolves from the door but I am somehow different,maybe its the acceptance of what is that Eckhart Tolle talks about that makes it easier to deal with.I am still ineffective in meditation,it's because I will always hold the belief that TM is the best way,I cant shake it,one way or another, I must learn its secret, no one will tell me, its like a secret society.Until then like a dog unwilling to let a bone go, my mind resists other methods, even the Buddha's own, everything is labeled second to TM.

    "Always two there are, a master and an apprentice." - Master Yoda - Star Wars

    As I am about to come apart finantialy for the very last time, I get a short work contract, then another along with which comes access to the internet, things start to change. I dont know how it happened...Google add or link but I come accross "Project-Meditiation",free course "yeah right!", jaded but I'll try it, I read the forum entries,comments about TM, this is the "open source" version.I listen I practice, its simple, it works,I like the voice, its sincere.

    Yesterday, I open the mail,"were going to take the little you have and sell it via court order",I'm hungry, I'm broke and this has been going on for far to long,feel sick, my chest hurts,I can hear my heart beat.I go meditate which didnt go too well,I feel slightly better, strangely, faintly possitive, I write to Michael, Jodie answers,between the 2 of them, Jodie proxying for Michael, they set me straight, advise me how to meditate under fire,use the Life Flow 10 , dont forget your mantra,where here for you,check the forum,it suddenly dawns on me; I'm not alone anymore, others are on the same road between here and there and there's Michael and others here who speak both from knowing and Knowledge. They have been and return to the state of "being" I have been looking for,they will show me how,FOR FREE and still put up with my questions,also FOR FREE, and on its own what is taught is all I need but if I need an extra push or want to go into it deeply as Eckhart Tolle likes to say,years of research and experience are offered at a very reasonable price in the form of Life Flow to help me along.

    Under the worst case of touch and go anxiety attack I have fought off for a very long time, I listen to Life Flow 10 for the 1st time...AND THERE IT IS.....FAINT BUT DESTINCT....PRESENCE / BEING / CONSCIOUSNESS, it came and went...me but not how I have experienced myself before, maybe as a new born but I dont remember...it was before "the story" and the "mind made self" so it was deleted as it probably didn't match the "story"...I got glimpses of it....listened to Michael...didnt try and hold onto it or create expectations....just repeated my mantra - AAAAH - OOOOOM with the breath - Im trying to develop breath awareness for when I don't feel like a "noisy" mantra so I train with them in conjunction -suddenly all of this, the whole story starts coming together, having learned whats behind TM, I can accept other methods as tools in my toolbox for different days and circumstances and feel at ease with them, I can use Life Flow to over ride the story until consciousness is more strongly identified with me and I can find it on my own or it can find me.....I got a glympse of what Eckhart Tolle is talking about....Loa Tzu....The Buddha....Jesus " the kingdom of heaven is within you"....just enough to know that I know where the destination is, I dont need the sign posts anymore but keep an eye open for new ones, I dont have to walk the hard road on the path of opposites....Life Flow is my vehicle towards what I have been looking for for so long...I have a little taste of "knowing", and their right, its far better than the knowledge said it would be...I must cultivate what I have found....

    "A Jedi must have the deepest commitment, the most serious mind. This one a long time have I watched. All his life has he looked away... to the future, to the horizon. Never his mind on where he was. Hmm? What he was doing. Hmph. - Remember, a Jedi's strength flows from the Force. But beware. Anger, fear, aggression." - Master Yoda - Star Wars

    The student was ready, Michael and his Project-Meditation came.........I am grateful, so , so grateful.

    If the Rev. Dr. Michael Beckworth is right, and I believe he is "the moment you begin to think properly, this something that is within you, this power within you that’s greater than the world, it will begin to emerge. It will take over your life. It will feed you, it will clothe you, it will guide you, protect you, direct you, sustain your very existence. If you let it!"

    An old man once told me in my 20's about meditation, he said he had a really high end Sound System but it was totaly useless unless you plug it in to the power grid....so it is with meditation he said...once powered up, you are fully capable of doing what you where built to do.....BUT YOU MUST PLUG IN...Thanks to project meditation, Im going to be just fine...better than I have been in a very, very long time, I know how to plug in and what that feels like...I'll let those who are interested know how I'm progressing
     
    Last edited: Oct 28, 2008
  3. Montana Keith

    Montana Keith Member

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    Thank you

    Coenrad,

    These last few moments I've been sitting here reading your posts. Ah my friend, you tell your story well. I loved how you incorporated humor and quotes from "Master Yoda" into the deeply moving--and please don't take this wrong--funny story of your life. Your life story--with a few character and setting changes--is the story of humanity. It's all our story of letting generational established false and limiting beliefs go, and of taking a deep and cleansing breath and waking up, of becoming conscious, of realizing we are consciousness.

    From what you wrote, it sounds like you have been out "wandering in the wilderness" for years. I sense that for you and in many aspects of your life, "the student is now ready," and "the teacher has appeared." Welcome to this forum and Project Meditation. It's nice that you're home, brother. Take care. --Keith :)
     
  4. Coenrad Morgan

    Coenrad Morgan Member

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    Thanks Keith

    Hey Cousin,

    Your right....:D....black comedy.....not as funny as my spelling though...If you lived in this head you would give up taking it too seriously.....the voice in my head is a nutter!!!....time to serve the eviction order...I've had enough of those so I'll get the wording just right...:)
     
  5. Edwin

    Edwin Member

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    I can relate to your story, especially about the financial stuff.

    Yesterday evening, I went to a seminar about "marketing for the small entrepeneur".

    This was a woman who told a funny anekdote about a serious situation in life where she had been in:

    When she went bankrupt, her husband decided to emigrate to Canada... and she wasn't invited...

    Here she was, a woman of 35, always used to having boyfriends and later on a husband, suddenly a single, and worried that she might "miss the boat" as we Dutchies like to say... to have to stay single for the rest of her life.
    As she was on a short holiday and walking alongside the beach, a few hotelguests walking alongside her, they decided to calculate her chances.

    Well, she said, first of all, I don't want any cultural or language problems, so they will have to be Dutch.
    The number of suitors went down from 5 billion people to only 15 million people in one choice.
    Secondly, I am straight, so it has to be a man.
    The number of suitors went down from 15 million people to only 7.5 million people in one choice.
    Also, I would like them to be around my age, let's say not more than 10 years older, and not more than 5 years younger than me.
    I like sex, so they also have to be straight ( :D she cracked me up with that one )
    I don't like smokers
    They can't allready be romantically engaged
    ...


    In the end, they calculated that she had about 2000 suited men for her in Holland.

    Now how to reach them.
    It would be really hard to find them. She had no idea where here illusive 2000 men where.
    Well, she was walking on the beach, and there was the answer, standing proud and tall looking over the North Sea: A lighthouse.

    She didn't have to find the men, the men had to find her !

    As interesting as this story was to me, I didn't have my breakthrough until I read your moving story !

    She didn't realise it, but she was talking about the Law Of Attraction !
    And I had to say, she had some really usefull tips !

    Here are the ones that I didn't forget ( thus were usefull to me in my current situation ):



    * You will never achieve anything without other people.
    Build a network of friends. Use the internet (contact sites where you can add friends), go to birthdays, visit people you know, invite them over for coffee or visit them. Make friends for no other reason than wanting more friends.

    * For your friends, BE THE LIGHTHOUSE !
    Try to radiate your love and appreciation for them ! The person or "self" you are fed up with is gone, start acting like the person you want to be. Stand up straight, lift your head, and try to SMILE more. Take laugh therapy, watch funny movies, read jokes, or better, make your friends tell them ;).

    * First of all, find out what you are good at. You will never achieve anything if you stay mediocre. That what you are good at is usually easy to find. Usually, you like doing it.

    * As soon as you know what you are good at ( and like doing it ), try to improve your knowledge on the matter, deepen your skill "Whatever you are going to be, be the best" - Abraham Lincoln.

    Do the above, no matter what. If you want to make extra money to help you fix your financial problems, check out below, it also involves what I learned yesterday.This is optional, the above is needed to get the LOA doing what you want.

    * Don't quit your day job... yet.

    *If you can, find a way to use that skill to make money with it. Start out with using you skill to help out friends with it. They are your friends, so even tho you tell them clearly how much this would cost for other people, don't charge them, or make them pay only material costs.

    This approach was based on how to become an entrepeneur.
    However, it will work on other things too.
    First you have to find out what you really want. It is hard to keep the focus on it, I know from experience.
    So, turn it around, like the woman from the seminar, start with the world, and eliminate what you DON'T need for your goal.

    In the end, you find you "don't need 5 billion people, you end up with just 2000".

    Now to become the Lighthouse for your goal. How to make the "2000" notice you right ?
    Your friends will help you with that :) You will know after the process of elimination, who you want to reach out to.
    Your friends will have a friend who knows a friend who works at the business you want to work, or want to get as a customer, or, or...

    This will take time, but as long as you try to smile and laugh more, and try to make more friends, in the end, it will seem everything came your way ( and it came for free, this costs nothing )

    WARNING:
    Like I know from experience, your financial situation will try to press a dark cloud on your everything you do.
    But having friends, and investing time in them, will cost you nothing.
    Smiling and laughing ( preferrably with your friends ) will cost you nothing.
    Don't feel guilty about it !
    Forget about your sorrow and worries when you are with friends :) and they make that easy, as they are fun to be around :)

    As I am writing this for you, I am writing it for myself.
    This is why I like this forum so much. The people here are not only very special to me, they also help me see things I would never have figured out all by myself ( You will never achieve anything without other people )
     
  6. Coenrad Morgan

    Coenrad Morgan Member

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    Baie Dankie Edwin - ons praat 'n weergawe van hollands hier by name "Afrikaans"

    Hi....nice one Edwin,

    I appreciate the effort and the information....its straight..:p from the horses mouth....the best information comes from those who use it themselves.

    Funny thing happenend today....a friend told me this story.." one of his customers has a daughter who went through a really bad break-up, didnt have a job etc but loves taking photo's....no formal training....just loves it. Anyway her Father gets her away from the x-boyfriend and sends her on a holiday to Greece....where she casualy starts talking to someone who comented on her accent and where she was from, long story short, this Greek couple where looking for a photographer to follow them around on their 2 year cruise of the Mediteranean.......she gets the job, gets paid for it and gets to see the Mediteranean countries doing what she loves...and it all started with a really nasty event in her life..."

    There's alot more possible than where willing to accept...in Lynne McTaggart's and other Quantum Physics related books, it starts with breaking your agreement with reality and forming a new one, interestingly enough a state of Alpha seems to be the means of accelerating the process, Jose Silva and others have proved this and in the movie "what the Bleep do we know..the rabbit hole edition", many of the scientists mention either meditation or Qigong / Chi-Kung practitioners as those exibiting the most dramatic results of their test groups. Meditation seems to be the foundation from which there is so much more to explore, until the free course, this was not possible, I was all over the place, like I said...that squirrel in "Ice Age" and I had alot in common.

    Whats also interesting is really outlandish phenomina like remote viewing as studied by SRI...use entrainment technology to prepare those undergoing training, some really heavy weights use technology like Michaels Life Flow and whats more credible is that they are Scientists working for the Military....not a bunch who would waiste time on science fiction unless they had proof that it works!!

    What I also have to mention is having the mindset right, I feel vastly different today than I did yesterday, one session of LifeFlow 10...same problems...better outlook on life = better chance of dealing with it; dont you think?

    Another thing I must mention, resolving the financial issues isn't the objective as much as moving beyond this road block in order to fully devote my attention to more important things like simply enjoying friends and life as it is without the constant heaviness of worry....theres so much to learn and explore.....even getting to a place to take a walk in safety costs transport...... I devote too much time to the issue because I must....there's probably a 50/50 mix of cortosol and other stress hormones in my blood as measured against hemoglobin....I'm caught in fight or flight and thus have so much less time for more life affirming and positive activities.
     
    Last edited: Oct 28, 2008
  7. chris063

    chris063 Member

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    Hi Coenrad,

    I've just been reading your posts. Wow, that's some life you've been having. Love the Star Wars references :D

    Anyway, I just wanted to say, you're here now, together with some wonderful people. You'll be just fine. :)

    Take care,

    Chris
     
  8. Edwin

    Edwin Member

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    Lol took me some time to notice your "baie dankie" :)

    A friend of mine has been on holiday to South Africa, and he gave me a south african cookbook ( I like cooking, as a hobby, not a job ;) ) and a "Sprookjesboek" or maybe sprokiesboek as you might say it ???? for the kids :) I can read just about everything as long as I try not to think about it.

    It's an amazing country you live in !

    Opportunity is just around the corner, really it is !
     
  9. Coenrad Morgan

    Coenrad Morgan Member

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    return of the red-eye...not a jedi yet

    Hi Chris,thank you for the support

    Didn't I participate in building a wonderful disaster?:eek:...you just have to turn on CNN to realize that I've had it really easy....its just the tourment in the head, even the wealthy suffer in their mansions, some turn to alchohol and drugs to get out of it, luckily Im a bad drunk and prefer meditation....but I should get a honourary Darwin Award anyway...to get a fully fledged one, your stupidity needs to kill you..no thanks...then again I smoke, they don't call it "installment Suicide" for nothing...works like a 38 special, just takes longer....maybe I'll get that award after all!

    Why I'm suddenly excited is that I have the tools I need to turn this around, it took forever to get them ( and alot of kindness and generosity on the part of Michael) but I had to ready to use them...then the Universe was working on Michael to make it available...and here we are...ready to build something better....:)
     
    Last edited: Oct 28, 2008
  10. Coenrad Morgan

    Coenrad Morgan Member

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    warm oond....warm hart!

    Hey Edwin,

    Strange how things turn out....I love to cook too and my Doctor loves it...he gets to pump my stomach and practice emergency medicine more often...I'm not very good at it unless smoked toast and burnt water counts as being a "Chef"...:)

    I figure any place is a good place to live if your okay.....paradise is hell for some people....they go somewhere else and the problem follows them....right there in the mirror.

    I'm really optimistic at the moment...24 hours now...its a strange feeling....got to keep the momentum going.
     
    Last edited: Oct 28, 2008
  11. Peaceful Warrior

    Peaceful Warrior New Member

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    you are not alone

    Hey Coenrad,

    You are not alone, I remember reading a quotation once...

    "Most men lead lives of quiet desperation"


    I believe this is true for most men and women. Meditation was the thing that offered me "peace of mind" and this is one of the most valuable things you can ever achieve in this world.

    Forget anything else, if you have true peace in your heart, mind and soul you are a blessed individual. Stick to your meditation dude! You deserve the rewards.

    It's one thing knowing something works, it's another thing working it and making it a daily discipline. I hope you choose to make the time for yourself ;)

    Success in anything takes some hard work and dedication. I feel from your post that you are ready, I urge you to stick to your meditation practice, the rewards are worth it!!

    PW
     
    Last edited: Oct 28, 2008
  12. Coenrad Morgan

    Coenrad Morgan Member

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    Dancing throught the daffodils in a lightning storm...NO MORE

    Hi Peaceful Warrior,

    Your so right, it took 39 years of dancing with 2 left legs, I look forward to the dance dancing me like Michael or someone on the forum talks about........come to think about it, every time I try and dance people try and put a spoon in my mouth, tell me to relax and franticaly call for a doctor....it's time for a change and I finaly have the right tool......had elements of it but didnt believe it....the student needs the master or masters ( as in this forum )to reflect off and on....

    This may be the turning point.....I really do feel very different... but Michael warns not to create expectation and to just let it be.... see what happens...if it doesnt work.....tommorows another day.

    AND YOU ARE SO RIGHT....I must establish a routine practice...!

    Thank you for checking in on the "Newbie"....
     
    Last edited: Oct 28, 2008
  13. Aja

    Aja Member

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    Idealism Center Stage

    Conrad

    You've got quite a delivery. It's engaging and entertaining. Spell check can fix most spelling errors. Type it up in word and then cut and past over to the forum. Tighten up your prose and punch lines and go submit it to a half dozen publishers... (Oscar Wild and George C Scott delivered energetically similar style).

    It's what we might call the romantic noblesse an expression definitely supposed to assume one is enjoying one's own effort and good works. Obviously, from your story there must have been a 'Darth Vadar' early on because there is a sense of victimization, being pushed around or taken advantage of...perhaps you were born near the noon hour in Cape Town? The Darkly Clad One was undoubtedly and reliably absent, tyrannical or out of the picture altogether or any combination of these, so as not to have provide an example of authoritative love. ... and what was to be an independent and creative adventurer got snuffed out. The best way to press down and inhibit an artistic bloom is to demand it be conventional... and if instead the DNA calls forth the avant-garde or unusual the result is quite the opposite of a beautiful flower. Parents don't know how to tread softly on our dreams and less often to they know how to nurture them and in the process many of us are squashed in the process of conformity. I can promise you that conformity is not your path.

    Meditation can remove the clutter and hopefully guide you along the way... still a destination comes in handy... what's your creative outlet and have you ever worked for yourself?... would the combination of entrepreneurship and the art world be an attractive pursuit for you vocationally... Thomas Moore recently wrote a small volume called "Life at Work." It a very nice treatise on the necessity of doing what you love and how rare in fact it is that we do what we love.

    Please excuse me for taking wild stabs in the night. I am assuming you were born in Cape Town... and I estimate sometime near noon... more accurate information would enable me to share (off line if you like) a bit more specificity. Of course FREE OF CHARGE NO STRINGS...

    Today I listened to the first few CDs. This is an extraordinary project. Well done. I am not new to meditation, but I have also been derailed from making progress for one reason or another and now seek to remove some limitations.

    Tim
     
  14. bashmaki

    bashmaki Member

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    Bless you Coenrad

    gus
     
  15. Coenrad Morgan

    Coenrad Morgan Member

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    Hello AJA, thanks Gus,

    welcome to the “Rabbit Hole” and thank you for the encouragement…….and NO I’m not the one with the dress or the Mad Hatter……..and I’m sticking to that story…..the truth goes with me to the grave!

    Yes, I was hatched in Cape Town and from day one I was swimming against the stream….the “coppers” had to come in and get me, I wasn’t coming out…so Caesarian birth a little after 10 / 10H30 in the morning. (Don’t you think its strange, we celebrate our birthdays when in fact it was the day you got your first spanking?)

    I was raised in a Military family at a time when I knew at a very early age, 5/6, that I would be off to war after school, just like my Father, Uncles, older brother, Grand Parents, Great Grand Parents and the Apartheid school system emphasized this in the history we were taught, we had always been fighting, its what we did and what I had to do. One complication though, I have all the male bits but I was sensitive, that just didn’t fit with societies view of what I should be, added to this I was timid, intospective and a loner from early on, by way of example, I didn’t like fishing with my father and brothers because watching the fish flutter about and die disturbed me (but I'd get into a fight or go to war in a heartbeat - go figure - "young man's disease!"), I would collect insects while they fished and loved documentary shows (still do)and not my Dad's favourite Western's...altough I did learn to "walk tall, shoot straight and speak the truth" - pilgrim. ;)

    I learned to shoot at about that age and many birds fell for no reason other than entertainment, it didn’t bother me as much as fish did because it was quick and not as dramatic, it bothers me now though. So conformity started early, I did Judo and so on but was scared of heights etc. Looking back all that followed was built on a weak sense of self and that in tern resulted from the self not being authentic, I had to “MAN-UP” in accordance with societies version, so the self was never outwardly authentic and I never felt I fitted in, that’s like building a house of cards on a Jell-O foundation, it’s coming down sooner or later…..and it did. But that’s all psychology 101, there are 6 Billion stories on the planet and some would make a Steven King movie seem tame. The bottom line is, my version of events is what I thought it to be, others who where there at the same time would see it differently and that’s where the mind made illusion comes in, its not so much how it is as how you think it is. How you think it is, is based on belief systems, self judgment being the operating system here, always comparing myself to others belief systems or my belief system, do that for long enough and a neural net forms, congratulations Mr. Morgan, you’ve just hard wired yourself, your actions are now automatic, no thought required…..thus no conscious idea of why you behave the way you do, you just do and the results follow. As an adult I need to firstly take responsibility, the fear of heights….did a static line parachute jump some years ago from 3000ft, I’m no longer so afraid of heights but jumping from dodgy Cessna’s……that terrifies me but I faced that one...time to face me!

    I may not know what neural nets and resultant automation I act from specifically but I do know that my emotional state gives many clues….depression, aggression, angst, something in the mind preceded the formation of these emotions. I also know that I am Artistically inclined / sensitive (until I’m attracted to someone, then I’m just plain autistic) therefore right brain actuated but left brain dominated. I feel more about something than I think about something, this made me very effective in technical design and troubleshooting. Here’s the crunch though….if your predominantly emotional in your thinking and that’s based on the earlier mentioned hardwired Jell-O foundation, YOU’RE A CRASH TEST DUMMY……STRAPPED INTO YOUR MIND heading for a collision with your limited expectations and views of yourself and ultimately the world…thus your issues effect those around you.

    Given that the Jell-O foundation is a crock, and I never developed as “me” – authentically, the question arises…..WHO AM I? The brain would say….your this long history peppered with Star Wars references…….but that’s not true, that’s all the result of the formation of the Jell-O self, what was there before I constructed my reference framework and how I fit into the world…….I DONT KNOW WHO I REALLY AM, I NEVER ALLOWED IT, I HID IT AND SUPPRESSED IT!

    Before the Jell-O there was powder, could have been molded into any shape or life story before it set into the neural net which caused this one? So the mind can’t help me….not the frontal lobe anyway, it’s sure about how the world works, It is my world and co-operates with the brains Reticular Activating System to filter my "reality" in accordance with its version of fact, so I need access to the unconditioned mind…that pre-set Jell-O powder / infinite field of possibilities, make acquaintance with who I really am and figure it out from there…authentically.

    Meditation is the only tool I know to get in there, the rest I leave to faith, based on the experiences of others like the Buddha, Eckhart Tolle, Michael – LifeFlow, YOU and the guy who gives me “the finger” in traffic to guide me HOME.

    I really appreciate your interest and participation….I read your website and looked up what “prose” meant…you’re an interesting and intense individual AJA…thank you!
     
    Last edited: Oct 29, 2008
  16. Coenrad Morgan

    Coenrad Morgan Member

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    Crash Test Dummy - Feedback - LifeFlow 10 - day 3

    I just finished meditating with Lifeflow 10 day 3 and something occurred to me, I noticed it before but couldn’t put my finger on it...

    Having tried modern Psychologies answer to depression..."THE HAPPY MEAL".....do you want fries ( fried brain and zombie like personality - more accurately ) with your pill Sir, ....do you want to Super Size the dose to 100mg......you get a free toy (bouncing sensations in your head, prickly, tingling tongue, slurred speech and slow memory response), something occurred to me?

    These pills ( and they do work and have their place in a cohesive therapy regime….but as a stand alone “silver bullet” their no better than a bottle of Whisky at solving your problems) regulate brain chemistry and restore serotonin levels and block other neuro-transmitters affiliated to “negative” states of mind. So the brain is hot wired and is no longer in control of its state, some believe that you may diminish your ability to produce serotonin naturally after prolonged use of “happy pills”. As the one taking the pill, the first few days are quite unusual before you start looking like this :) you go through an adaption phase where you look like this :eek: and feel like that :D at a later phase (really sucks looking like that in a line up…try and be convincing stating “not guilty your honor” with that look on your mug at your hearing).

    Depending on the pill you may just be emotionally neutral almost all of the time. The first thing you notice are strange sensations in your head, a sense of pressure, bouncing balls inside your skull, prickly sensations, your tongue and brain seem to develop delayed interaction, this is said to be the chemical processes of the brain coming into balance with the pills designed intent.

    Using Lifeflow 10, I have noticed pressure sensations in the temple and more profoundly at the base of the skull, instead of being freaked out by it, I am encouraged, I’ve been here before, I’ve felt this before, it’s the brain adjusting to stimulus, the last stimulus was chemical and out of my control, I was adjusting to enslavement – “if your happy and you know it take your pill *clap*, *clap*” - nursery rhyme of a not to distant future – kids have it tough now days more mentally as apposed to our old school physical challenges – with Lifeflow 10, I’m adjusting to freedom, and as for the chemicals…..their all mine baby…..all mine….organically grown in a fertilizer packed skull!! :rolleyes:
     
  17. chris063

    chris063 Member

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    Hey don't beat yourself up for what has happened in the past! I'm sure everyone has some howlers tucked away in our murky pasts (well sure I do :D), and will likely continue creating more until we eventually have had enough, and are able to realise that we can lift ourselves out of anything at all. I think all experience is good, no matter how awful it seems at the time. We always have the chance to move on a little wiser and stronger than we were before, and can choose to stop repeating the old patterns so we don't get trapped in the past.

    The point at which you realise you can change things is a catalyst, and I'm sure meditation and LifeFlow will calm down the thoughts in your head. I have always thought myself round in circles in the past - to have mainly good and positive thoughts is a wonderful feeling, to have no thoughts at all even for a few seconds is pure bliss to me.

    I wish you all the best Coenrad, and am looking forward to hearing of your progress!

    Chris :)
     
  18. Coenrad Morgan

    Coenrad Morgan Member

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    Thanks Chris

    Hi,

    Not beating myself up so much as looking at it as objectively as possible and realizing that I cant go on as I have and what immediately arises from that is….if that’s how I feel and if I am examining my behavior more objectively…then I must have moved forward on my journey between here and there…must be a good thing!!

    As for the “story”….its the case study I’m trying to build for others…this is a relatively accurate version of my life ( some things left out ) and as a departure point, lets see how far from that worn out old story I can get using LifeFlow and the Mantra technique. I’ve noticed that at any one time there are many more visitors here than members….if it works for me ( and it does )…they may want to try it. I could have posted a one liner but how does that help someone like me….”Thanks Michael…it’s great” doesn’t add value to someone who is unfamiliar to this mindset but desperate to find some relief…..I often think about deleting my posts as its very personal and being Naked isn’t always fun….but I think for now it will help those outside the community and for me on the inside, get guidance and inspiration from people like you in reply and from reading the posts of others on a vast array of topics…..

    I knew exactly what I was looking for and found it in the Mantra Technique, LifeFlow 10 was a supersized bonus, but many visiting and posting don't quite know what they are looking for and are poking around looking at what others are doing and why...my brother once said something that really stung.." If you've read all these books and know all this stuff, why cant you use it to improve your life?" and he was right, I now have a tool I believe in, lets see what I can do with it given the background of "the story".

    Two thumbs up and a toe for the great guidance….:)
     
    Last edited: Oct 29, 2008
  19. Montana Keith

    Montana Keith Member

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    Laughing & Smiling

    Hey Coenrad,
    I've been reading through this thread some more this morning. I've been smiling and laughing quietly to myself. (Heck, I don't want my colleagues to poke their heads into my office and say, "Keith, are you okay?) You have one wonderful sense of humor. I guess one might call this dark humor. At any rate, it's dang funny. Thank you for your willingness to be vulnerable and share. Reading some parts of your "life story" is helping to loosen up some things in me. It helps me to remember that I'm not alone and that I'm not the only one who has this "crazy script" running through my mind so often.

    I don't know exactly what is happening, but when I step back and just observe, I get the sense that it's something amazing. Through the internet, and this forum in particular, I am in contact with amazing people all over the world. It blows me away that we are all having a group conversation while at the same time we are located in South Africa, England, Australia, the Netherlands, France, Canada, Pakistan, United States, Mexico etc, etc, etc. Am I just imagining all of this or is it actually real? I haven't met you or any of the other posters on this forum in person, but I sense that you are as real as the people I meet in person everyday.

    WOULDN'T IT BE WONDERFUL IF ONCE A YEAR WE CHOOSE SOME LOCATION AND ALL GATHERED FOR A FEW DAYS MEDITATION CONFERENCE?

    It would be like that commercial where the two M&M's characters meet Santa Claus, and they simultaneously exclaim, "You do exist!"

    I don't know if you've seen this clip, but I get a kick out of it. It reminds me of "one way" to deal with the chattering ego mind. Here it is:

    YouTube - Mad TV Bob Newhart Skit - Mo Collins - Stop it

    Still smiling. --Keith :)
     
  20. chris063

    chris063 Member

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    Hi again,

    Well then it is a very brave thing you are doing, holding your life story up as a case study for others to see.

    I'm new to LifeFlow too (about one and a half weeks new!), but not completely new to meditation only new to being disciplined about actually doing it regularly. :) I had also read vast numbers of self-help books on positive thinking, spirituality etc, but had reached a bit of a critical stage in my life when an old and very negative (destructive even) behaviour was starting to surface. I went purposefully looking for the help I knew I needed, and arrived at Project Meditation. And just a short time into the course, I already feel different, calmer, more peaceful, and look forward to my session each day. And my own personal storm is blowing over and the world isn't crumbling away!! :D

    So please do keep on posting, I will be following along and probably comparing notes! :)
     
    Last edited: Oct 29, 2008

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