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New Member: Just some background

Discussion in 'START HERE: Registration & Introductions' started by bubbs, Mar 16, 2011.

  1. bubbs

    bubbs Member

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    Hi everyone,

    Thought it was time to join a community that could help further my personal growth, rather than hinder it.

    my background:

    I've been struggling with an anxiety disorder for the past 6-7 years and gradually beating it. I grew up in a family home that had a very negative impact on my mental processing of events and that carried on into my adulthood. I started taking recreational drugs and did the whole experimentation thing about 8 years ago which lead me into my first full blown panic attack and which also facilitated my panic/anxiety disorder. Ever since i've been fighting, and researching my way out of this horrible mental disease.

    I found cbt (cognitive behavioural therapy) which pulled me out of the darkest time of my life, i was house bound at one point, and could not last the day without having at least one full blown panic attack. This therapy taught me to fight that unconscious part of myself which was causing all this pain. I was forced to challenge all my negative thought processes and I eventually became in control of this condition.

    I am presently living in Canada for the year and have been studying mindfullness and meditation after discovering that CBT takes most of it's techniques from these fields. Once I found where CBT came from I decided it was time to go to the source and fully immerse myself in the idea of staying purely in the now. It has opened my eyes to the possibilities, and I'm 100% addicted to living my life in this way from now on.

    I read a few books by Pauolo Cohello, Susan Jeffers, Matthieu Ricard, and Ekhart Tolle. Ekhart being the most current and the one that actually made me feel calm and happy for the past 2 months. I was amazed by the transformation, and love to try and stay in the mindfull state.

    So this comes to the main reason I joined the forum. I seem to have relapsed back into my anxious ways and am finding it difficult to get back to just being mindful. I feel like im fighting against my subconscious which seems to be winning again for the time being. I'm certain this wont last however it does dis hearten me when I suddenly get sucked back into this dark place and feel like I've lost the light.

    I don't know what I should expect from this forum, but some helpful advice would really be great. I know I have to get through this myself but if anyone can point me in the right direction in terms of more reading materials, or personal advice? that would be amazing.

    Also is there anyone on a similar path to me that may be ahead of me and has gone through this same relapse routine? My relapses seem to be further and further apart however I still get them and they make me want to scream when they arrive.

    I hope this post wasn't too negative, and look forward to your replies.

    Many thanks,

    Bubbs
     
  2. Karmoh

    Karmoh Member

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    Hi Bubbs,

    Welcome to the forum, :) there is no such thing as a negative post on this forum, a very positive, friendly and respectful place.

    I wholeheartedly recommend the book, The Mindfulness Solution by Dr. Ronald Siegel. I believe there is a website by the same name, very practical with lots of mindfulness practices and meditations for problems involving panic/anxiety disorders.

    Strangely the mind likes you to suffer; it’s the quintessential control freak. When we listen to our darker thoughts, the our ego will snap his fingers and get you believing his rhetoric. Meditation and mindful practices can help alleviate these cycles by allowing you to become aware of the tricks the mind will play, the mind is very good at getting you down and in its control.

    There are some real “good” people on this site that have a more in depth knowledge on this subject and I’m certain someone will be along to help you.

    Peace :)
     
    Last edited: Mar 16, 2011
  3. M L K

    M L K Member

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    Hi, Bubbs, and welcome. I have not had to deal with anxiety, but I am familiar with other forms of serious funk. What I have noticed is that my own process is not so much linear as a spiral. When I leave, say, depression or self-contempt behind, they will often "visit" me again. But over time they have less charge and speak with less (and ultimately no) authority. Meditation, as so many on this forum have described, allows enough space around you that you need not be reactive in the old ways, succumbing to the same old triggers, certainly not with the same intensity. So I would encourage you not to feel failure when the old anxiety comes around, but see it as an opportunity to acknowledge it as an old companion that you have outgrown. As Edwin and others have said on many threads, these states often just need to be acknowledged -- without feeding the drama -- and then they dissipate. (Edwin, I trust you'll correct me if I have misrepresented your view. ;) )

    Best wishes, Bubbs, and congratulations on all your great work thus far. Margaret
     
  4. Hazelkay

    Hazelkay Member

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    Hi Bubbs

    Warm welcome

    I think what is happening is very normal for the process of meditation and what is very heartening is that the 'relapses' are getting further apart (and I presume easier to deal with).

    As we become more mindful and stop adding rubbish to the dustbin of repressed rubbish inside us (at least at the same rate as before) then we release the pressure on the lid and more is allowed to see the light of day. Earlier, the build up causes a blow out which is much harder to handle. Now it's more like some gas has come to the surface. As we don't react, but just regard this as an interesting phenomenon we can observe, the gas disperses and the 'relapse' also disperses.

    It's often a long process - sometimes there can be a long period of time between a leakage, sometimes shorter. Regard all leaks as good things - Whew! that's another lot I won't have to deal with again. The more interested you are in the process and what actually is going on before, during and after, the less likely it is that a take over will happen - it will run a short course and go.

    All good wishes for your continued progress
    peace and joy
    :)
     
  5. Itlandm

    Itlandm Member

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    Negative? Yes, a bit, but that is because you are honest to your experiences. Suffering is more or less the norm, even in our days, but people take care to not be seen as weak. After all, we learned in the school yard that the weak get bullied. (Well, some learned it at home, but you get the point.) This place is not that kind of school. It's OK to not be perfect.

    You have made progress, but this is still "before" in your "before and after" pictures. Look back on this from the future and you will see.

    You have been fighting a lot, I see, and worked hard. But there comes a time when there is no need to fight, when happiness will be coming up from inside you on its own. First like the water of a well, later like a fountain.

    Meditation is not a fast and easy path, but it is simple. Deceptively simple. The hardest part for someone like you will be to not add too much to it. Be gentle to yourself, except for your excuses to do something useful instead of just sitting there. "Don't do something, just sit there!"

    When I was a kid, I imagined Hell as a place of fire and shadows. But when I had my first serious panic attack, that became my image of Hell from then on. So you have my respect. But there is definitely a path out of suffering. Take heart. There is an abundance of peace and joy waiting for you.
     
  6. bubbs

    bubbs Member

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    Hi all,

    Thank you for your replies.

    I absolutely love the route that I'm on now and feel that this is making me happier and more calm the more I practice. I think having this anxiety issue has helped me understand the tricks that the brain plays on you, possibly quicker than someone who has never suffered like I have. So I can't really be depressed about this condition as it's placed me on a path that makes me a better person.

    I am feeling a lot better now, and take heed of everyone's advice to just accept things and remember to smile. It's so easy to let my inner thoughts plague me and drag me down into a dark place, but this practice seems like a life vest that is keeping my head comfortably above water, rather than before where Id tread water for a little while, then sink into anxious thoughts which drown me for a few weeks.

    "karmo" That book is now on order. Many thanks.

    Well I look forward to using this forum and meeting other people to bounce ideas off.

    bubbs
     
  7. musicameo

    musicameo Member

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    To Bubbs:

    I have found it essential to use calming breathing to be calm. As an anxiety sufferer, psychotherapist & longtime meditator, I see that this is a foundation that cannot be skipped. If practiced it for a long enough time, your muscle memory will remember this - & you will start doing it without effort. Also called diaphragmatic, abdominal, or belly breathing, this is how babies breathe, how we are physically designed to breathe. It is how adults also breathe when they are comfortably asleep. (Turn off the mind, & the body knows what to do!) Here's the key: When you inhale, let your abs relax & let your belly expand. When you exhale, squeeze your belly slightly to exhale all the air. You don't have to take in alot of air (that's why I don't call it "deep breathing"), just a comfortable breath. You will feel more relaxed almost immediately. It feels akward initially because you're going against your longstanding muscle memory. Breathing in the chest is a result of tension & anxiety. When you breathe into your belly, it signals the brain that you are safe & lowers adrenalin (fight-or-flight, tension, anxiety) levels. To Bubba & All: Breathe well, & Prosper!
     
  8. murbei

    murbei Member

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    just trying to help.

    meditation is not a cure for mental illness. if we fight something negative in ourselves, so that the disease will be pushed back, and come back another time. with meditation we learn to control negative thoughts. mild in many cases we can fight negative thoughts, but in severe cases, when we fight negative thoughts, then the negative thoughts that will be pushed back and wait for opportunity to come out again, and affect us. if the negative thoughts that come back and make us uneasy, then just follow where the negative thoughts away. if in mind that we've made a mistake, meditate and beg forgiveness of all we have done, (done in meditation only) and also ask the help of god to forgive us who have made a mistake. This is often done when the negative thoughts that come back its influence will continue to dwindle and eventually disappear.
     

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