1. Unfortunately The Project Meditation Community Forum is no longer active. Although registration and the creation of new posts not possible, you can still read and search the forum...

    If you are unable to find what you are looking for within the Project Meditation Community please check out our new Blog and/or our Facebook page.

In at the deep end

Discussion in 'START HERE: Registration & Introductions' started by badtrooper, Nov 25, 2008.

  1. badtrooper

    badtrooper Guest

    Mine’s a familiar tale:

    Brought up as sidelined, emotionally neglected and with no sense of self-worth, I’ve carried (and expanded) my dysfunctional childhood around with me during thirty years of adulthood, building into an incredible edifice of negativity.

    Things really came to a head at the beginning of this year when I started to really see what was happening to me, at a time of significant change in my life. It was bad enough for me to spend some considerable time out with clinical depression – something which I haven’t been able to shake off, even after medication and counselling, which helped me to identify the causes but not how to deal with them.

    My problem centres around a need for acceptance and the fact that I overly concern myself with how I think others perceive me. My upbringing has left me with a fear of failure, or more pertinently, a fear of what others will think of my failure. This means that I’m less likely to try at all, and up until now, I’ve found it easy to come up with reasons and excuses for that.

    In the past, I’ve held off thoughts of self harm by focussing on what’s good in my life, but that’s getting harder; my health is suffering, my job stifles me, my kids don’t get the parent treatment they deserve, and my one partner and confidante has given up and now spends their time with someone else who seems to make them happier.

    So this is it – I need some way of gaining some quality in my life, for my sake and for that of my family.

    Wish me luck! :)
     
  2. Coenrad Morgan

    Coenrad Morgan Member

    Joined:
    Oct 18, 2008
    Messages:
    136
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    16
    Welcome to the troop

    Hello

    Your story is a familair one around here and if you could find out, around your neighborhood and at work as well, as it is in my own life....we have alot of the dark stuff in common.

    I recently learned that the world is as I am, I'm often less than "nice", therfore everyone else is also and therefore a threat,...if I changed so would they, they are only perceptions I have based on me, not fact, as for failure......the University of life seems to be dead set on awarding one a Phd in it, if you will let it....but troopers dont quit, you havent, you could have if you wanted to, your made of better stuff and you know it.....in time you'll show it, who cares what others think.....matters how you feel and make those around you feel because of it.

    Your in the right place......DONT QUIT.....it's not your style to anyway...thus welcome.

    You dont need good luck, there are others here to help, you just need to want change bad enough.

    Take care and let us know how you are doing.
     
    Last edited: Nov 26, 2008
  3. Edwin

    Edwin Member

    Joined:
    Dec 15, 2007
    Messages:
    1,858
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    36
    Well said Coenrad, and it means a lot to me to hear a guy who basically said the same a few months ago is now able to encourage the next person in a similar position !

    You ROCK !

    Badtrooper, you are with genuine friends here, we can help you wherever it hurts. Please come back here oftan !

    Oh and of course, MEDITATE EVERY DAY :) !
     
  4. badtrooper

    badtrooper Guest

    It was one step forward, but three miles back for me. After an evening's meditation, events overtook and I ended up in hospital.

    Dealing with that's the hard part - far, far harder than I thought. :(
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 28, 2008
  5. badtrooper

    badtrooper Guest

    Although I meditated for a few minutes on my hospital bed the night before last, I couldn't last night as thinking about meditation causes as many problems as it solves - some here might identify with that. After a pretty sleepless night, I got out of bed at ten to five, went downstairs and reached for pen and paper. I scribbled down thoughts and emotions as they came to me. It's really painful for me to do this, as I've got to come to terms with the harm I've done to my wife and children. At this point in time, I'm in no-mans land. I have a stark choice: try or die. :(
     
  6. Edwin

    Edwin Member

    Joined:
    Dec 15, 2007
    Messages:
    1,858
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    36
    First it is really important to forgive yourself for the past.

    Say it out loud: I forgive myself for everything I feel I have done wrong in the past !

    You see, what you have done wrong in the past, can't be changed. You can however do a thousand things right now.

    An example:
    A Korea vet was so angry over an attack done on his platoon the night before, that the next day, he made an ambush with landmines to kill those responsible.
    Unfortunately, he watched 2 children walk over the mines as they exploded.

    This has tormented him for all these years.
    Finally he came to Thich Nhat Hanh who told him:
    What is done is done. Every day today, 25.000 children worldwide die from poor water, diseases that can be cured, acts of war...
    Try to save 2 of those children every day instead of feeling bad about 2 children who died decades ago.

    I hope you get what I am trying to point out. You can't change what is in the past, you can make right NOW !
     
  7. badtrooper

    badtrooper Guest

    I have always tried to live by the motto: Don't regret what you've done, only what you haven't.

    What one does is done for a reason at the time, regardless of what that reason is - it must have seemed like a good one at the time, and what's done is done - you can't change that. HOWEVER, one can often take a different road and make different choices. For example, I got myself into serious trouble at work earlier this year when I blew up at someone who'd been disrespectful and rude. It was out of character - I was on double dosed antidepressants at the time, but if I'd counted to ten and simply reported him to management, rather than taking things on myself, I'd have gotten a similarly satisfactory result - but without a disciplinary hearing.

    My GP says that we all have choices in life and that includes the choice to do nothing.

    I take on board what you say about self-forgiveness. It's hard. When I wrote my stuff down, I included pages about why I loved my wife and my two children. When I came to do the same for myself, I got stuck. My wife said that the fact that I'm here trying to work things out should be on the list.

    My wife and I both look at the inner workings of our consciousnesses in different ways. While she's busy grabbing the present, offloading the past and not worrying about the future, I'm busy psychoanalyzing myself to look at the reasons why I am why I am. She's reading The Power of Now (although she's now passed that over to me), while I'm reading They F*** You Up. While my wife thinks we're on separate paths, I think that we may be on parallel paths, with me slightly behind and still looking for inner peace. Certainly both books have the same outcome in mind in a lot of ways.

    While I didn't meditate last night, while I was briefly asleep, I was aware of an intensely joyful feeling that I'd forgotten about until this afternoon. I often have what I call Homer moments first thing ("Aah, the sweet couple of seconds before I remember why I'm sleeping on the lawn.") but this was when I was still asleep and more powerful. Maybe it was my soul ringing, telling me that it was still there despite me doing my best to do away with it. Maybe I ought to return the call. :)
     
  8. Bhavya

    Bhavya Member

    Joined:
    Aug 14, 2008
    Messages:
    315
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    16
    Consciousness calling

    You've already begun to return the call. And once awakened, you cannot fully go to sleep again. The sweetness is always there, hidden under the layers of conditioning just waiting to be tasted again and again. Consciousness giving us just enough to keep us on the path....

    Yet I don't expect our meditations to be always sweet or our paths to be without thorns. I think if our lives were fully balanced, we'd never make the effort to find our Self.

    Very few people have exactly the same path. Even though your way is different from your wife's, trust that it's right for you and you'll both find the Light within.
     
  9. badtrooper

    badtrooper Guest

    :) Thanks :)

    I meditated for a while before sleep last night. I'm very very slowly finding some calm. I've been criticised to a point about doing things to change others' perceptions and feelings about me rather than doing things to really change myself. I think I'm been after affirmation and validation - acknowledgement that I exist on a very basic plane. Up until now, I've not been a nice person because I haven't felt like a nice person for any number of reasons, which means that others don't see me as a nice person either and therefore don't treat me as a nice person. Then it all goes round and round in a vicious circle. The important word there for me is "feel" and only I can do that by myself - others can't feel for me, though God knows I've made them try, I realise now. Only I can change the way I feel.

    This isn't natural for me. It's really difficult to do. BUT I want to try. I NEED to try. This is life. I need to live it.
     
  10. Montana Keith

    Montana Keith Member

    Joined:
    May 1, 2008
    Messages:
    176
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    16
    Badtrooper (What an interesting name. Perhaps, you can sometime relate the story behind it.),

    I have been reading your posts here. I appreciate you taking time to be vulnerable and to share a bit of your life story. My heart goes out to you.

    I just wanted to let you know that I notice you; I care about you; and I send you my thoughts of peace of wholeness of oneness this moment. Take care, my friend. --Keith :)
     
  11. badtrooper

    badtrooper Guest

    Thanks Keith :)

    Why Badtrooper?

    I'm a big Star Wars fan. The Imperial Stormtroopers always fascinated me, partly because of the cool armour:cool:, but also because they were faceless. I liked the idea of that. Before we all found out from George that they evolved from cloned humans;), they were a bit of an enigma, simple tools of the Empire - all the same, driven by rules and devoid of emotion. The Bad Trooper's broken free of his indoctrination however, and is acting outside the rules - he's questioning his purpose, gone rogue and maverick.

    A few years ago, I realised that there were things in life that I didn't have to put up with anymore that I would have just accepted before because I felt I had to; I wanted to break out of the herd and speak my mind, so I kicked back, sometimes in productive ways, but often in less productive ways.

    That's not to say that I want to return to my rank in the Legion, of course; that would be a backward step, and somehow I doubt that I could cut it as a Jedi, but being a little more open to the ways of The Force certainly wouldn't do me any harm. :)

    As an aside, we met some members of the 501st UK Garrison today while they were doing a store appearance. They always get a lot of attention and do a lot for charity. Not sure I could join up though, as I'm less than the 1.83m height requirement for a stormtrooper.:D
     
  12. Bhavya

    Bhavya Member

    Joined:
    Aug 14, 2008
    Messages:
    315
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    16
    Bravo! :):):) And btw, I don't buy the "bad" trooper, so I might just have to call you Trooper.

    It strikes me that waking up with the feeling of joy you described earlier is you - the real you without your story about not being of value. You experienced it before you remembered your history! :):)

    My question to you is, who are you really? (same question I've been asking myself lately.) Are you just what others have taught you? Is their opinion right? Did you come into this life already flawed, unworthy of love and respect? Or are you something much bigger...a being that somehow bought into this limited picture of yourself, a "you" that your thoughts keep reinforcing. There is somebody that notices the behaviour - your thoughts and feelings that come without bidding... Who is that being?

    When I question myself like this, I end up with an awareness of myself that's very different from the picture that my thoughts bring...a spacious being somehow centered in my heart ...feelings of love and warmth flowing outwards. Impossible to describe....

    I think that's what we all are. We've been hypnotised into believing our thoughts about ourselves, thoughts that came when parents and others laid their trip on us (their own limitations of course). I'm learning to drop all that so I can develop a deeper relationship with that being that's centered in my heart. It's fabulous, to discover that I'm already beautiful deep inside! I don't have to deserve enlightenment. The light is already there, full blown! I just have to turn my attention away from Hitler mind to this light filled space. And if I can learn to do this (I'm still a toddler, but growing..) then everybody can. We're all the same inside.

    Wishing you the joyful recognition of your own true Self :):):)
    Bhavya
     
  13. badtrooper

    badtrooper Guest

    :) Or you could call me Davin: Davin Felth - Wookieepedia, the Star Wars Wiki :D

    That's a great description, Bhavya, and it's something I've been deeply thinking about today - to stop looking at who I think I am (or who I think others think I am) and start just being who I am. :)

    Thank you for your kind words, Bhavya. :)
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 30, 2008
  14. Edwin

    Edwin Member

    Joined:
    Dec 15, 2007
    Messages:
    1,858
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    36
    I once learned a nice "trick" to help me realise that there are " 2 " inside of us.

    Close your eyes, and count to 60.
    Whenever you loose count, simply start over again with 1, and keep trying until you reach 60. This may take one minute, or a half hour, both are fine.

    Start now.













    Did you make it to 60 ?
    Did you lose count ? If so, how did you notice ? Your mind was completely busy with counting, so it could not think about anything else than reaching 60 . Did you notice that you were able to "step back" from the counting and observe it from a distance, keeping track of your mind, whispering in the background when you lost count ?

    That is your "Soul", the real You, part of the Universe, or God, or whatever you may want to call it !

    The mind, who was too busy counting to do any thinking, was silenced this way, so that your true You was more noticable. This You is also responsible for that wonderfull feeling you described in your sleep. It is called "enlightenment" and you might be very close to it having experienced the feeling allready !

    When meditating, don't try to recreate that feeling, just try to be light and effortlessly let the emotions and thoughts flow by.

    Meditate every day, and we will be here guiding you if you lose faith !
     
  15. badtrooper

    badtrooper Guest

    Thanks Edwin - I'm going to try that out later; I'll let you know how I get on.

    Beety:)
     
  16. badtrooper

    badtrooper Guest

    One week on from hitting The Wall, and I feel calmer, better. Still some way to go but getting somewhere, even if the route's still a little sketchy.:)

    Edwin - I tried your exercise a couple of times, but got to three or four minutes worth of counting, and was still distracted by a bucketful of stuff. I'll keep at it.
     
  17. Edwin

    Edwin Member

    Joined:
    Dec 15, 2007
    Messages:
    1,858
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    36
    Hehe obviously your mind is racing quite a bit then, that's ok.
    By the time you noticed that you "lost count", did you notice with your mind ?

    If you know the answer to this question, you can stop because then you have found out what the exercise is about ;)
     
  18. badtrooper

    badtrooper Guest

    Didn't lose count - that was the problem. I guess I have too many things on my mind at present. Oh for a quiet life! :)
     
  19. nibbles

    nibbles Member

    Joined:
    Dec 14, 2007
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    1
    hi BT

    I hope this note finds you well....

    Thanks so much for sharing....I do understand what you are going true reading your words....i realised that those words could be mine....:(

    I am getting better,,,,,i think lol i have good days and bad:(

    I have a mantra...i use it when i am feeling down on myself

    I am me,
    I am ok,
    & It's ok to be me,

    Much love and light

    nibbles:p
     
  20. badtrooper

    badtrooper Guest

    Thanks Nibbles. We'll get there together.:)
     

Share This Page