hi! came here for some help

lusion · December 6th, 2010, 15:51

My names kye, im from the uk
i started getting into meditation about a year ago for self help, and ive hit a point now that i cant break past so i came here to see if anyone could help me maybe.
i experienced non-duality for about 10 secs one night after about 2 hours of meditation with eyes open in a dark room. I felt so amazing, yet my ego took over by thinking about what could be possible from that state and it was destroyed pretty damn quickly.

now its 2 months later and im having a pretty damn hard time even getting close again practicing every night.
I know that really there is not much you can help me with because i should technically know what to do and what to aim for, but wanted to know mostly if anyone out there has been in the position im in, and how they got past it maybe.

on another note, did/does anyone else get this noise in the left ear (maybe left side of head) that sounds like someone is turning a tap off really slowly and you can hear it through the wall, and the volume corresponds to how much thought there is. as it quietens it sort of goes to the top of the head. it happend to me in the last say 20 seconds before getting to the stillness.

crappy introduction but id thought id cut to the chase.
cheers guys

lusion · December 6th, 2010, 20:07

i forgot to mention how delusional/insane i feel.
i need to break it

Karmoh · December 6th, 2010, 21:14

Originally Posted by lusion

now its 2 months later and im having a pretty damn hard time even getting close again practicing every night.

Hi Kye,

Welcome to the forum

Your clue is in the statement above. There is no need to have a hard time, or try to get close again. The ego is chasing the thought of presence and you are following. Letting go is so simple and profound, yet we try and force ourselves to be present, when I fact we are already there.
Some of the more experienced meditators on this forum will give you the more in depth pointers that will help you let go and accept the now.

Peace

lusion · December 7th, 2010, 00:11

This is just what kind of help i came here for. what i like to call 'pointing' advice. ive already started thinking about it and things make slightly more sense. i agree totally with 'Letting go is so simple and profound' as the first time it happend to me i had much internal laughter at myself (in a good way) for not realising 'it'. Its simple yet difficult at the same time.

Everyday since it happened its taken up about 70 percent of my daily thoughts just contemplating it. Also, observing my thoughts is almost becoming automatic and complusive, is this a good thing?

Along with my ego getting excited about the state, one question (well, several questions bound into one) destroyed it pretty thouroughly, and that was 'so i am god? did i create all this? i wrote my own story leading up to that particular moment? i am everything? everything is everything?'
and loads more questions based around that sort of theme.
Technically i should have been overjoyed at that realization, but i guess it was the ego looking for clarification from external sources before moving on rather than the self going by its own descision.
Sometimes i feel very delusional and at peak times insane, but i know theres a reward at the end at it keeps me strong.

EDIT: another one of the most profound things that shocked me was the realization that time is just a perception, and how it just ceased and continued via thought. When living in a non-dual state, is time always ceased? would i always percieve 3d objects as 2d cardboard cut-out sort of layers? i would love that. Or was that just a product of open eye meditation?

Edwin · December 7th, 2010, 11:19

I strongly recommend that you cease listening to all those thoughts.

Mind is trying to grasp something that it can never understand, and as such is creating delusional states of mind.
The biggest problem is that you listen to all those thoughts.
This way you are thinking yourself crazy.
You are observing the thoughts and feelings, thus you know that you are seperate from them.

The busyer the mind is, the more evident is that you are listening to all those thoughts.
Thoughts like "am I God ?" are completely useless, as mind cannot understand God but it can only create a picture, a mental image of it.
And God or whatever you like to call it is infinately more than a mental picture.
And any thought containing " I " is a fraud anyway, as mind is saying I, and you are observing products of mind in the form of thoughts and emotions. Thus you can never be the mind.

And when you stop listening to all those thoughts, when you stop paying attention to them, they will disappear by themselves and leave you in a peaceful state once more.