Trouble listening

Kauil · November 11th, 2010, 16:01

Hello.

Sometimes I have real trouble listening people talk. More so in real-life situations, but it happens when I'm listening to a speech on the internet, too.

The thought that initiates this goes something like "This is important, try extra-hard to listen to what this one has to say". After that it seems I'm concentrating on concentration itself, rather than the words.

With mundane, i.e. non-important talk this doesn't happen, but when it's important it might happen. It's like my mind cannot follow the story of what is being told, like it can't follow the logic of what's being said. And as I'm realizing this, I become more troubled about not listening... which really doesn't help at all. It only conjures up thoughts like "This person is talking directly at me, and when he/she stops talking, I should be able to respond correctly, but I have no idea what he/she is saying, so how can I".

Sometimes it's almost as if I'm listening to a foreign language that I understand nothing of. All I can hear is sounds.

I think I'm making too much of an effort to listen, what do you think?

Edwin · November 11th, 2010, 16:25

Originally Posted by Kauil

I think I'm making too much of an effort to listen, what do you think?

I think you are right

Panthau · November 11th, 2010, 18:05

Sounds like a concentration thing. Meditation would be a good thing for that, as you learn to focus, and i could imagine that this strengthens your ability to follow a conversation.

Midnight · November 11th, 2010, 19:10

What Pan says is true, however, it doesn't need to be a mental struggle to listen to something. As you've already found out, your mind is creating all the noise. It's as if when someone started talking to you, another person interjects and starts yelling "LA LA LA LA LA" while the other person is talking.

Listening to someone is a natural ability. You don't need to try and strengthen your ability to listen, only realize why it is you try so hard to listen...

Is it a fear of looking foolish? Fear of what other people think?

Or a resistance to what is? In the event that you don't know that SUPER IMPORTANT thing that the other person was talking about, will your life end then and there? When something goes wrong, do you not accept that it happen and instead try to force a solution?

Well I don't know any of the answers, but you do, so maybe a bit of introspection will help. It'll help you relax. And that's all thats necessary

Kauil · November 11th, 2010, 21:31

Originally Posted by Midnight

Is it a fear of looking foolish? Fear of what other people think?

Or a resistance to what is? In the event that you don't know that SUPER IMPORTANT thing that the other person was talking about, will your life end then and there? When something goes wrong, do you not accept that it happen and instead try to force a solution?:

I think this is close to what I feel at those occasions. It's like losing the natural nonchalantness of being and trying to DO something to listen. Yeah. Something like that. I guess I'm trying to be more present than I naturally am. That sounds logical.

Hmm... this might be the root of some of my social problems. I often find myself focusing on how my body is and where to look with my eyes when talking to people. And my body language is probably unnatural and quite contradicting when I try and force these things. It's weird.

Edwin · November 12th, 2010, 12:23

Originally Posted by Kauil

Hmm... this might be the root of some of my social problems. I often find myself focusing on how my body is and where to look with my eyes when talking to people. And my body language is probably unnatural and quite contradicting when I try and force these things. It's weird.

Instead of constantly trying to find the position you are in compared to the person talking, imagine that you are not even there.

All that is important is the other person and what they are saying, and who and what you are compared to them is irrelevant.
Don't focus on yourself, but on the person you are talking to.

And when you really do that, when you forget about yourself, you will listen so intently and sincerely that the other person will recognise that in you, and appreciate you even more for really listening.

A good trick is to try and summarise/repeat everything they say after every few sentences. This will help you stay focused on what they are saying, and at the same time imprint their message in your brain.

like this: "So what you are saying is that you mean that..... and .... ?"

Kauil · November 13th, 2010, 03:28

When I truly listen to someone, I don't focus on what I'm seeing. My focus is 100% on the hearing. My eyes may be open, but I'm sort of not aware of what I am looking at.

I found the same thing happens with mantra meditation. It's most obvious after I finish repeating the mantra in my head after the ten minutes or so. Vision regains it's grip, even with closed eyes. I suddenly see the the blackness inside my eyelids, even though that's what I had been looking at throughout the meditation. Looking but not seeing. Hearing but not listening. Something along those lines.

This all applies to my own thinking, too. It's like the line of thought is cut when I'm trying to focus on it. Meh, should sleep more. I don't think it's ADD because I remember this thing started in my late teens.

Kauil · November 24th, 2010, 01:46

Originally Posted by Edwin

Instead of constantly trying to find the position you are in compared to the person talking, imagine that you are not even there

This popped into my head today, this... not being there. And it really seemed to work

I could follow more naturally what the other person was saying. Feels great man, thanks.

Edwin · November 24th, 2010, 09:50

Originally Posted by Kauil

This popped into my head today, this... not being there. And it really seemed to work

I could follow more naturally what the other person was saying. Feels great man, thanks.

Since you are active in the other thread as well, you know, the enlightenment one, you should understand why...

Your mind doesn't have to spend energy on an image of who you are, to pretend that there is this guy Kauil standing here that is trying to listen.

So, no energy wasted on making up a fake Kauil, means more energy for processing the words of the other person.

Easy !

Kauil · November 24th, 2010, 22:36

Originally Posted by Edwin

Since you are active in the other thread as well, you know, the enlightenment one, you should understand why...

Your mind doesn't have to spend energy on an image of who you are, to pretend that there is this guy Kauil standing here that is trying to listen.

So, no energy wasted on making up a fake Kauil, means more energy for processing the words of the other person.

Easy !

Yes. I am grateful for these moments of insights in my life... and even more so of how easy they come about. Just by changing a thought (into another or into nothingness) you can take an entirely different stand.