strange change in life

[RunBananaRun]

Hey guys!

There is this huge experience I make right now. It is really hard to describe although I know you will understand.

There is the planer guy who simply dies somehow. My whole life doesn’t seem to fit anymore.
Every time after travelling around the world for 2 or 3 weeks, I come back and have a very strong feeling of: “What? This shall be my life? I don’t feel any regard to this.”.
I get used to all this again and this feeling disappears. I am "going to sleep", showing addictive behaviour regarding consuming media and stuff, "think life will be better one day".
But somehow I get this feeling now, without even travelling. I feel alienated.
Sure I love the people around me but what about my studies? My job? The place I live. Hobbies. Somehow I don’t care about anything of this anymore. It is not “mine”. I don’t feel more joy spending time with these things than with anything else. And even the people, I really love them, but I tend to bond very fast anywhere I go. There are so many great people everywhere. I don’t try to hang on all the stuff around me anymore. It is all experience, just flying by and everything passes, leaving a memory which also feels somehow alienated, because I don’t need it for anything, it is just there, nice to have but no need to. I used to collect those before, but I don’t do that anymore.
“I” have been limiting all possibilities of life which always has been there, to create whatever kind of idea, destroying the spontaneous flow of life, which wants to be lived.
It is all so strange, I simply don’t know how to describe it. It is no kind of concept, it is a perception, an experience. I suddenly feel free in so many ways. There also have being habits, holding me back for some reason, and those disappear. I suddenly realized there are no habits. It is just one more concept of the mind. Those cannot live in the present. “I” simply do something special right now or I don’t. I can quit it right now, and maybe I will never start it again. Who knows? The planning guy?
It is like having to personalities and the older one breaking apart. But also there is a huge part of the life around “me” which belongs to this person and somehow there is this urge to protect all this, even if “I” don’t identify with that anymore (right now, I am switching back and forth). So all the time, I am switching between those 2 guys.
All the time I am getting back and try to solve his problems and then all of this doesn’t matter anymore, because it switched once more. Then there is nothing to do and I go back to something and switch back.
There is some kind of fear because big changes are going on here. So “I” tend to switch back into the old personality with all the old problems, which I don’t care anymore. I even lose drive to complete tasks even if I would have done them before. It is just that most things simply do not matter anymore. It is just scary not to go back and the same time it isn’t.
With all that a temptation arose. There is so much to see in the world. There is this urge, of going away for a longer time, to leave all this behind, for like 3 or maybe even 6 months just to see what happens. Maybe I could discover “myself” losing even more ground to all this? I love nature, especially the sea. During all of that for some reason I have seen “Eat, prey, love” and it all just fitted. It is very tempting to visit an ashram in India, or maybe just to live at the sea for some time. I also thought about taking a class in oshos humaniversity which is very expansive unfortunately.
Osho says something about a new human being born in someone, devastating his old life, like a second birth, changing the “inner” and the the outer life. I have the feeling I was hiding for a long time.


Don’t get me wrong, there is no sadness. No, there even is happiness. I just know something is coming my way and this time, I cannot hide.

I find myself sitting around doing literally nothing. There is just nothing to do. Then at some point I force myself to go back at doing something. This usually means that “I” become the old “I” again with all its addictive behaviour and stuff. After that there comes a point where everything stops again, no addiction to movies, books or whatever, just absolutely no interest. So it is switching back and forth, but it seems to become stronger and longer.

It is frightening because I cannot draw a line. Even “my” relationship with my girlfriend is a concept of limiting each others freedom. It is something to hold back the spontaneous flow of life. I don’t mean having multiple partners, even if this is one aspect of it. It is also having the freedom to go anywhere I want to and to do want I want, even if we don’t see each other for a very long time. There are all these possibilities without being victim of emotional blackmailing because of not being able to resist someone’s bad mood.

What do you think of that?
Any suggestions?


Best regards!

A really confused guy



Thomas

[GilesC]

Hi Thomas,

Firstly, look at the word "personality". It comes from the word persona which is latin for "mask". We each have many different masks we wear depending on different situations.... a "father" persona when with our children, a "husband/boyfriend" persona when with our partner, a "son" persona when with our parents, an "employee" persona when at work, a "runbananarun" persona when talking on the forums (or the "Thomas" persona as you see fit).

The point is that you (or your mind rather) is focusing on two personas that differ greatly from each other during different parts of your life, yet in truth you have many many different personas.

It was Shakespear who said "All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players" (from As You Like It), and this was because he recognised these personas or masks that we put on as we play out each part of our lives. When we leave one stage, we enter another and put on a different mask and play that part instead.

The important thing is that you can recognise these different masks, and that life necessitates us to take part in the plays, with everyone else wearing their masks too, because, yes, even those other people are not showing themselves as they truly are, they are just exhibiting a personality fit for that play.

The one thing that is important is that you can see these personalities, and the "I" you refer to is not in fact one of them, but in truth is what is observing them changing (the "I" itself does not change, it simply observes).

So, should we just give up? What's the point eh? Well, no. Whilst you're correct that it doesn't matter about certain things, especially material things (or other things we get attached to (hence the buddhist concept of attachement)) because there really is no "need" for them, and we certainly won't be taking those things with us when we die, there is a "need" to be met in simply living life and BEing a part of this universe/planet (or whatever granularity you want to look at it).

In meeting the "need" of living, and in recognising these different personas we take on, we can actually seek to be more True to ourselves, lessening the difference in the personas, so that we become more of a single character in the different plays, and the masks we wear become more similar. To do this requires practice and determination, and involves being in the present moment and meeting the "need" of the moment, seeking to let go of the "other" aspects of personalities, which are often created by the mind and how it believes we should be. Simply giving up on the "need" of the present moment is not what is required.

This is one of those threads where I know there will be more to say, but I feel I should stop there and let that be digested first. I will no doubt return to answer some more when the time is right.

Hugs

Giles

[RunBananaRun]

Hello Giles!

Thank you very much about your long and fast answer!

I have already read what you are talking about. It is just that a concept becomes real and it seems to becomes deeper every time it happens. I already had several experiences during and after meditation, but now I see how my life is going to be affected more and more by that.
I am just curious what happens next and how things change around me. When "I" observe the masks, they become weaker in some way. What kind of changes occur if I dont wear any mask because that seems to happen? Sure there is only a spontaneous flow and I think it is not predictable because some kind of real personality emerges or am I wrong here? So human becomes guided by the voice of his heart and not by his head anymore at this point?
Thanks for your help!


Best regards

Thomas

[GilesC]

Originally Posted by RunBananaRun

I am just curious what happens next and how things change around me. When "I" observe the masks, they become weaker in some way. What kind of changes occur if I dont wear any mask because that seems to happen?

I think if we were to put it in blunt terms we often see our masks as being a truth, and fear actually being true. By letting go of the masks, the truth will shine through and all acts will be done in truth, meeting the needs of the moment, rather than the fakery of personalities.

Sure there is only a spontaneous flow and I think it is not predictable because some kind of real personality emerges or am I wrong here?

If you are acting in the present moment and meeting the needs of that moment, then it is simply You being your Self. If you want to label that as a personality, you can, but I prefer to use that label for the fake masks that we wear.

So human becomes guided by the voice of his heart and not by his head anymore at this point?

As an anology, I would say, yes, that's one way to look at it.... though I would say that we Act rather than Re-Act, and as I say above, meet the needs of the moment rather than what our perosonalities consider to be needed based on past ideas and thoughts of the mind.

Hugs

Giles