I Don't Know

[Midnight]

Hello everyone,

I feel as if I'm in need of some guidance. Chances are this post will contain a lot of rambling, but I think it makes sense

It seems that I can never be at complete peace for too long. I've had a good amount of peaks in my spiritual growth where everything will flow and I not only understand my mind and how it works, I feel the knowledge. It became a truth within me.

I know that there is no use in trying, expecting, wanting, looking to the past, or future for salvation. When I started out learning meditation, I let my mind be attached to everything.

No doubt since I've started a year ago I've acquired way more wisdom and learned so much about the human mind, and letting go, and just a plethora of other things I didn't know were possible. And all of you guys on this forum definitely contributed to that and I'm eternally grateful.

However, it's like I can never just be peaceful for a good amount of time. I know that it's my mind making noise, and I know that non-acceptance will not help, and I know that it's simpler than I make it, and I know it will pass...but when will it become permanent within me? It feels as if I've spent more time releasing or dealing with emotions (which I think are previously suppressed ones) than actually enjoying silence.

Recently, my mind has become more self-conscious, especially in a public setting. I am in my head thinking about if I'm funny enough, or if they like me, or what they think of me in general. I realize that these thoughts and being self-conscious is not necessary because it's all about being in the moment. When I started meditation, I didn't think too much about these things, so it kind of feels like I regressed in that area...

Since I know it's so simple, it's like my mind has made it more complicated because I know it's simple.

I recently have been doing a technique where I challenge the fear in my mind to do it's worse as described in a post by Ta-Tsu-Wa (which was recommended by grey [Anxiety whilst meditating). It's a pretty good technique, and there was a point a little bit after I started practicing it where I realized that my fears are irrational. Later that day when I went out, I was having fun and not thinking about anything in particular. I've still been doing this technique, and I'm thinking that it's helped so much that many of my fears are being released at the same time, which makes me feel terrible for a little while. When it clears though, and I feel like I've regained control over my mind, I feel a lot better.

That's how it usually is with my "spiritual/emotional peaks". They are usually pretty short-lived (maybe a few days) though and followed quickly by down periods which can be kind of intense for a day or two, but I still have a general feeling of "down-ness" (for lack of a better word lol) for quite a while. I suppose i'm a bit weary of going through this cycle many times.

I really want (I know, I know) to just be able to have fun and relax doing anything. Today was my first day of college and everyone was so excited to start out, and while I was excited too, I felt like I couldn't let go and just have fun and make new friends because I think too much about how I don't need to think. When I think I let go, it's still kind of in the back of my mind. When I got up this morning, I felt as if my fears didn't phase me anymore, and the feeling of fear entered my body and I was okay with it. It felt really great. But the fears may have been released too much, too fast, because I felt terrible for most of the day after that.

My meditation sessions are still going well, but the peace and well-being are short-lived. I don't try to hold on to them per se, but just by meditating and going to sleep, I wake up in the morning feeling not as great. When I'm semi-conscious while in bed, I'm a bit more negative than when I'm fully awake, which I find noteworthy. I'm thinking it's just that my mind could use cleaning at deeper levels with LifeFlow, but I'm not going to rush through it because the time will come when in must. There have only been a few times where I felt absolutely peaceful during and after meditation, but more often than not, an emotion comes up and stays there.

Now usually I'm feelin alright, and my "average" state of mind is a lot higher than it used to be (hopefully that makes sense). I still tend to compare now to the past though, and I doubt that's helpful

I was really debating whether or not I should make a post, but I didn't like feeling like I was in this all alone, and now I feel much better. I just wanted to see if anyone had any sort of answers, or guidance, or advice because I could really use some.

-Midnight

[olmate]

Hi Midnight,

I am pretty sure that quite a few people are familiar with the place you describe. I know I am.

Visualisation is something that resonates with me and I often use visual analogies to explore my feelings. With the examination of fear in my life I bought up the visualisation of kayaking down a winding river.

As I set off I noticed that I was worried about what might be around the next bend - like rapids or a waterfall! But as I relaxed and challenged myself to enjoy the journey and to notice the beauty of the environment and my place in it, it had a dramatic impact on my mood and mindset.

I actually became excited about my journey (which I equated to my life journey). So instead of wondering about the potential of a disaster awaiting me around the next bend, I am now eager to discover - whatever it is, because it has become my belief that whatever presents each day is there for my benefit, even though it may not feel like it at the time.

Given that mindset, my daily practice is now aimed to ensure that I am in the best possible condition to fully experience each day - physically, emotionally and spiritually - no matter what.

Anyways, as I say, it is an approach that helped to frame my intention, thinking and approach to each new day.

Nothing but the best,

Olmate

[Edwin]

In Advaita there is the example of the sun and clouds.

Think of yourself as the sun, and your thoughts as clouds.
We seem to think that on a cloudy day, the sun isn't there.

But the sun doesn't care if there are clouds or not, it just shines.

People think, or maybe expect that as soon as they understand that, the thoughts will go away.
But that isn't what it is all about.
Thoughts aren't bad, or wrong, just like emotions aren't.
They are just there, they come up in You. And they disappear in you. No thought takes longer than a second. Sure, if you ask for it, it can repeat itself, but as soon as the thought is finished, you are finished listening to it.

Knowing that the sun is there even when there are clouds isn't even enough, because we tend to look up at the clouds from an earth-based point of view, even tho we know that in fact we are that sun.

This doesn't just happen overnight. In fact, in Advaita there is an unspoken rule that you have to wait 10 years before you can become a teacher, even if you have "seen" that you are in fact the sun.
Because a cloud may come again and seem to block the sun.

Only after years will you know that you are in fact shining your light on top of the cloud, instead of watching the shadow from beneath.

The peace you are looking for is allready inside you. It is always there.
But some thoughts and emotions cover it up, and then all you see is that current emotion or thought because you are trying to look from the shadow side, while in fact that is impossible as you are the light itself.

That is the beauty of meditation, that through techniques you are able to quiet the mind and emotions and you can at least see where the light is coming from. But the true realisation is that you are that light.

This will happen to you, in time.
When will that time come ? I have no idea. Neither have you. It will come when you are ready. And even after that realisation has come, it can take up to 10 years to stop looking at the clouds

My Advaita teacher ( he hates the word Guru ) was able to help a 70 years old guy a few months ago who was searching and waiting for 40 years for this to happen.

Are you sure you aren't just being impatient ?

[Panthau]

Hey midnight,

Besides the good answers you already got, i am so free to tell you my subjective point of view

Its the same for me. I believe what happens happens, and its only our resistance that makes it sometimes hard. Life is not always the same, and so are our perceptions and feelings. Its like waves that come and go.

I was born and got some good kicks in the pants, therefore the emotional ups and downs i experienced where like flood waves. Since i begun to meditate and discover all the good possible things, these waves are getting smaller and smaller, but they are still here.

Im just coming out of an emotional valley, where i forget all the good things i knew, where theres no peace within me, no silence. Then there are times where im so still inside, that it feels like the world stops.

So what i learned is, to dont give much attention to these waves - nevertheless i can see a huge progress, and the niveau of the waves is changing big times.

Hope this helps,
Pan

[jada]

hi midnight , i feel exactly the same, EXACTLY, the replies are very helpful and make a lot of sense. we need patience i think my friend.

love

david

[Midnight]

This is why I felt good about posting, because I knew I would receive great wisdom from you all.

olmate: That's a beautiful visualization and a great attitude to have about life. I was never really big on visualization myself, but through your post I understand the lessons behind the visualization

Edwin: That's an awesome analogy!

People think, or maybe expect that as soon as they understand that, the thoughts will go away.

This is how i've expected things to happen for a long time. I always thought "When I understand that I don't need something, it will come to me immediately." Though I never consciously thought that. It was always me thinking i've let go, and then continuing to look around to see if anything changed.

Perhaps I should have a bit more patience. These lower cycles of energy are very slightly getting higher everytime...i'll reach a termination point one day.

Pan: Yes, I know what you mean. I've felt experiences like those as well. They came and go rather quickly, but that's okay I suppose.

jada: Perhaps we do

I think through this experience, I've learned how to really feel my emotions and let them go. Until today, I would realize an emotion would come up, and I wouldn't pay attention to it. I wouldn't suppress it either. I thought it would pass on it's own. When I woke up today, I just watched the emotion, let it hurt for a minute or two, and then watched it go. The "sky" had cleared up for a bit and the sun was shining bright.

I think it's much more effective to let it hurt and keep watching it.

Wonderful replies everyone, thank you! If somebody still has something to contribute, it's completely welcome

[Itlandm]

There are several things that will stabilize you over the coming years.

First is the expansion of your personal soul. Most education, some careers, or just reading a lot of books will increase the capacity or volume of your psyche, so that it can hold more and look about more widely. When something happens, you will think: "I have heard of this. It is not just me. This is normal, this is to be expected." (Reading this forum also has that effect, and quite concentrated too, I would say!)

Then there is your upcoming involvement with the world. As you enter the adult life phase in earnest, you will begin to give back to the world that has kept you alive and supplied you with so many things thus far. You will start to think: "I am responsible for others", "I should do something for those around me", "I really care about this person deeply". And through these outgoing links in your life, you will find a new stability. Sometimes good things happen, sometimes bad things happen, as seen by your personal mind. But it is no longer the end of the world, because your world is so much greater now.

It continues that way, for as long as you aspire ever higher, until you love the whole world and beyond. Can't say I have any practice on that level myself, but that's the direction it goes.

When a bud has grown long enough, it becomes a flower by opening up. This is the case for us as well. First we grow as individual souls, and then we open up. This is our destiny.

[Midnight]

Very wise post Itlandm. I always love reading what you have to say.

I've felt instances where I feel nothing but love for the world and I want to give. Sometimes I take that step and actually spread the love. I only want to give because I'm whole. I don't think about receiving anything

And I realize that regardless of how I feel, this is the inherent truth. Whether I feel it or not.