Beginner looking for guidance!

[paradoxenygma]

My journey began a few years ago with my first panic attack. It scared the hell out of me because I didn't know what it was. Since then I've had this persistent nagging anxiety that I can't seem to shake completely. It went away for a year or two and I felt like I was back to normal, only to return again when I stupidly started up an old bad habit of smoking pot. The two most anxious times in my life happened immediately after stopping smoking cold turkey. I think I've learned that lesson and have no desire to smoke pot ever again. I've avoided going to the doctor's in the fear of them putting me on medication. I had a bad experience at the beginning with a doctor who put me on medicine my body didn't agree with. It made me feel worse! It's sort of like putting your hand on a hot stove, and then having someone else tell you to do the same thing but expect a different result! I've seen therapists for anxiety and they pretty much tell me I'm doing all I need to in order to manage the condition, and say that I'm doing better than most in that regard. I'm very honest and tell them everything. I would hate to experience the anxiety of someone who is NOT managing it well! I've finally decided to face my fears and go see a new primary doctor, if not only to get passed the fear of it. Being scared of things is limiting my life. Leading up to my doctor's appointment, my anxiety has skyrocketed...leading to panic, restlessness, and horrible muscle tension. I know how to calm myself down during anxious times for the most part, but the thing that bothers me the most is this muscle tension down my neck, shoulders, and in my jaw. This also causes pretty nasty tension headaches. Even when I'm not anxious, the muscle tension doesn't allow me to relax and that in turn makes me anxious! It's a vicious cycle. I was even so bad at one point I was pretty agoraphobic and leaving the house was a difficult task, even for a short trip to the grocery store and such. If the muscle tension eased up, I really do feel like the anxiety would follow suit. It has in the past. I'm usually a pretty calm person, but this is interfering with my life.

I recently started reading a lot about mindfulness and meditation in depth. I've tried meditation in the past, but I never stuck with it long enough to have any sort of impact. I've been using LifeFlow pretty regularly for the past few weeks. Everything I've read about mindfulness says you can't really go into it with the intentions of reducing your anxiety, it just sort of happens. If you put expectations into it, you can cloud your progress. That's a simple concept, yet pretty hard to do!


Does anyone have any advice ? I'm obviously not in danger of dropping dead anytime soon, but being in a constant state of anxiety/tension is pretty uncomfortable and miserable. Any tips/pointers to guide me along the way would be GREATLY appreciated

[Hazelkay]

Welcome to the forum

Sympathies for the hard time you are having - may it's life be short, but full of insights for you.

You are quite right that looking for improvement of problems by using meditation is mostly counterproductive.

It is also true that when our 'stuff' is on the surface meditating for too long can bring more up and make life even more difficult.

How long are your sessions?
How often - twice a day? 3 times a week?
What meditation technique are you using along with the Lifeflow?
After your meditation session do you feel better? worse? about the same?
This info is useful to see where you are at.

Meanwhile, you could get some objectivity with the following exercise:

Get a pencil and paper and make 3 columns heading them NECK, SHOULDERS JAW

Down the side write these areas of investigation

Where is the pain (get exact locations - as near as you can)
Is there an area of no pain (as near as you can)
What colour is it (there is no right answer - just what seems to be to you)
How heavy is it? ( again just your own estimate)
Is it solid or is there movement in it.

Draw a line under this section and repeat it twice more so you can have three goes at it.

Start with the first section and investigate the neck fill in your observations in your own shorthand when you have finished the first section do the same for the shoulders and jaw.

Go to the next section and do it all over again

Do it for a third time.

Review your investigation and see whether you wrote the same things down each time, slightly different, or markedly different. Again, there are no right answers here - there is only what you observe.

If you have the time - repeat each day for a week - and compare the investigations day by day.

It is possible that this will decrease the overall muscle tension as you start to see things have different characteristics rather than a continuous, tightening, painful solid block.

Good luck and will wait for you meditation info

[paradoxenygma]

I am meditating almost everyday now at least once, sometimes twice. I think my most stressful time is while I'm at work so I'll sit quietly at lunchtime with my headphones for about a half hour if I can. When I'm home I try to shoot for an hour. I notice that I'm much more relaxed at home in general than I am when at work.

Right now I've just been focusing on breathing. I've been using belly breathing as a calming tool for anxiety, so I continue that in meditation. Ive actually found myself breathing correctly even when I'm not meditating, which is a plus. I'm usually a shallow mouth breather, hah.

After a session of life flow, or even just progressive muscle relaxation, I often feel better. A lot calmer and more peaceful. It's hard for me to continue that feeling throughout the day though. I guess that's why they call it meditation "practice" I read alot about people getting strong anxious feelings arising during mediation, but that hasn't been the case for me for the most part.

[Hazelkay]

Sounds like good stuff to me.

Keep it nice and gentle, have a loving heart towards those parts of the body that have difficult sensations.

You are perfectly right when you say this is meditation 'practice' - we are all practising - it's a long journey.

You can bring this practice into the rest of the day whenever there is an opportunity, even without headphones and Lifeflow.

Whenever the mind is not busy with work, during a wait between tasks, in the supermarket queue, at red lights, while washing up, lying in a bath etc etc just be aware of your breath and the rise and fall of the belly. Two minutes here, three minutes there, they all add up and build a calm and peacefulness that begins to soften the tension in the body and the anxieties in the mind even when in a situation we would previously find stressful.

This does take time, change will happen. You may not notice the gradualness of it, but one day you will realise you have coped differently with a situation you previously found overwhelmingly challenging. It's like visiting a small child you have not seen for some months and being amazed how much they have grown and matured, whereas those near to them have not been aware of the gradual change.

Your obvious courage and resourcefulness are great assets in this adventure

keep us posted
peace and joy
H

[paradoxenygma]

thank you for all your kind words and encouragement. It is deeply appreciated! I take your words to heart. The analogy of the child growing up is perfect, and I never thought about it that way. I'm so wrapped up in my thoughts and actions that I don't see my own progress. If I were to take an objective step back and notice long term changes I would see a lot of leaps forward. I tend to be hard on myself, and therefore want things to change NOW! haha. I'm still working on my patience. It just kind of disappoints me when I look back at how I was before all this. When I was younger, I traveled to Australia from the US and was there for part of a summer. I didn't know anyone. I had a few hundred bucks and a suitcase. It was amazing. Now something as simple as shopping for groceries is an uncomfortable experience because of the anxious mind. I want to get back in tune with the person I used to be. I'm a musician in a band who has done some substantial things. It has been rough dealing with the stress of the band while dealing with my own personal anxiety. We are getting to the point where there's a possibility we may travel around the country to play. The idea of that makes me really excited, but also very scared. Its very bittersweet to have success in something you've worked hard at, but also at the same time be afraid of that very success and the responsibility it brings.

On a side note, I did have my doctors appointment today. I was a nervous wreck, but I made it through in one piece. I just tried as much as possible to focus on breathing. My blood pressure was much lower than it usually is at the doctors, which is encouraging. I've had "white coat syndrome" for as long as I can remember, so getting a pretty normal reading during a time of high anxiety was amazing.

Giving blood, on the other hand, didn't go so well. I almost passed out But I quickly recovered. Me and needles don't do well together. I'm assuming my blood work will come back all normal because it has in the past. I'm not too concerned with it, but I'm going to call the office next week to see what the results were just in case.

I'm also being referred to physical therapy. My doctor thinks there may be a physical reason my shoulder/neck/jaw are perpetually tensed aside from the anxiety. Hopefully they could shed some light on the situation. I've never been to PT so this is something new for me.

Aside from all that, I'm going to continue meditation and trying as much as possible to relax. Aside from that I guess there's not much else I can do at this point.

I'll definitely post updates on everything as it unfolds, as long as people are interested in hearing

[Hazelkay]

We are always glad to hear from you - its a friendly place here and we check in with all sorts of thoughts, friendly discussions, news, experiences.

Just something that jumped out at me from your last post -

'I want to get back in tune with the person I used to be'

This can work against you in many ways.

One way is that our memories are tricky things and it often embroiders the 'way we used to be'

Another is this terrible trap of comparison against who we are versus the image of who we want to be, leading to continual dissatisfaction with 'what is'.

Another thought to ponder is that your present situation has so many opportunities for learning and the difficult experiences you have already learned to deal with taught you so much, that who you are now is actually a much richer person than the one of years ago. It will have built a heart that can include more of the world and a readier compassion for others that is just waiting to show itself.

I could go on and on - but enough already!!

peace and joy
H

[paradoxenygma]

so the results are in...my lab work all came back completely normal. shocker, I know, lol.

I've been feeling generally better since my last post. The areas of tension seem to be shrinking, which is awesome. I'm on the right track. Things aren't overwhelming as they were. I'm still meditating every day, and it seems to be helping me relax. I'm still working on thinking about things in a positive light, versus my normal pessimism. I think that's the toughest part. I have to go on a business trip to another state in a few days, and it's weighing on my mind, however its not as stressful as I thought it would be.

I woke up this morning mid-dream, and it wasn't a good one! I woke up in an anxiety state due to the dream. Instead of instantly freaking out, I tried to accept the bodily feelings as they were. I just sat with them for a bit, and they went away pretty quickly. However, it kind of threw off my morning, and I haven't been able to shake it. I have been telling myself these are just anxious thoughts making their way to the surface of my mind via a dream. Emotional clearing so to speak So if I think about it in that way, it was a good type of anxiety

I'm making progress, and that's all I ask for.

[Karmoh]

Originally Posted by Hazelkay

We are always glad to hear from you - its a friendly place here and we check in with all sorts of thoughts, friendly discussions, news, experiences.

Just something that jumped out at me from your last post -

'I want to get back in tune with the person I used to be'

This can work against you in many ways.

One way is that our memories are tricky things and it often embroiders the 'way we used to be'

Another is this terrible trap of comparison against who we are versus the image of who we want to be, leading to continual dissatisfaction with 'what is'.

Another thought to ponder is that your present situation has so many opportunities for learning and the difficult experiences you have already learned to deal with taught you so much, that who you are now is actually a much richer person than the one of years ago. It will have built a heart that can include more of the world and a readier compassion for others that is just waiting to show itself.

I could go on and on - but enough already!!

peace and joy
H

Yes you certainly are, you have had some awesome advice from HazelKay....and it’s beginning to pay off

Dreams especially the one you describe can sometime be attributed to deeply hidden emotions.
By using relaxation techniques, meditation and LifeFlow you have begun a journey of releasing these pent up emotions. The anxiety on waking suddenly was a defence mechanism, by allowing the anxiety to be and accepting the feelings you have released some or all of that buried emotion. By simply resting for a while, you actually allowed the emotion to seek freedom from in deep hiding place. It does throw your day off, but that is a small price to pay, accept the day and smile.

You are a fellow traveller

[pollyanna]

Originally Posted by paradoxenygma

so the results are in...my lab work all came back completely normal. shocker, I know, lol.

I've been feeling generally better since my last post. The areas of tension seem to be shrinking, which is awesome. I'm on the right track. Things aren't overwhelming as they were. I'm still meditating every day, and it seems to be helping me relax. I'm still working on thinking about things in a positive light, versus my normal pessimism. I think that's the toughest part. I have to go on a business trip to another state in a few days, and it's weighing on my mind, however its not as stressful as I thought it would be.

I woke up this morning mid-dream, and it wasn't a good one! I woke up in an anxiety state due to the dream. Instead of instantly freaking out, I tried to accept the bodily feelings as they were. I just sat with them for a bit, and they went away pretty quickly. However, it kind of threw off my morning, and I haven't been able to shake it. I have been telling myself these are just anxious thoughts making their way to the surface of my mind via a dream. Emotional clearing so to speak So if I think about it in that way, it was a good type of anxiety

I'm making progress, and that's all I ask for.

Hi there Paradoxenygma, I'm so pleased to hear you are making progress and that your results came back good for you.

There are some wonderful people in the community and you have certainly been given great advice from some of them. Although I have not suffered from Panic attacks, I have definately supressed emotions probably all my life. If you have heard of "The Great Pretender" by Elvis, looking back, I think I was "The Great Supressor" The big supressed emotions seem to always have surfaced through dreams which I have written about in a few posts over the past few years. Here's a link to one post:-

First time

I hope it is of help and I wish you an abundance of peace and joy

[paradoxenygma]

Yes, the people in this forum are very helpful and very supportive. I am very grateful for that.

I definitely think anxiety is a result of suppressed emotions to some part. I must have a lot of them! I consider myself a fine collector I had another troubling dream this morning, and woke up extremely tired and a bit anxious. Sleep is exhausting

In both dreams this week I had pretty vivid feelings of anxiety, and both were more physically intense than the anxiety I experience normally. That's probably why it effected me when I woke up. In one of the dreams, I was crying hysterically. I normally don't cry. Sometimes I get the urge to cry, but I can't for some reason. It's like there is a mental block there. A fear of letting go maybe? About two months ago I felt the anxiety coming back with a vengeance. It really scared me. I hadn't felt anxious like that in months, so I was overwhelmed by the idea of experiencing it again. I cried for like an hour straight. The only time I've ever cried like that was over the death of a family member. It felt really good to let that out, however it hasn't happened since. I feel like there is more to go, but I don't quite know how to accomplish it. I found a quote yesterday that really hit home for me: "Heavy hearts, like heavy clouds in the sky, are best relieved by the letting of a little water."

Do you have any advice on letting these suppressed emotions release when they surface, instead of burying them back down again? Waking up from a bad dream is pretty troubling, especially when you're not prepared or used to it. I don't want to continue down the road of suppressing and avoiding these things, so how can I learn from these events instead of trying to stuff it back down in my subconscious? Or if I get an urge to cry, how to I let that out without suppressing that too?

Thanks again for all the guidance from this forum!