Pollyanna,
I have sat here for 20 minutes looking at this post and trying to sort out the feelings this post has brought up from the depth of my being.
First of all I'd like to thank you again for sharing this. Had you not done so I may have not made the startling discovery I am about to reveal.
I have some misgivings about sharing this for any number of reasons. I do, however, think I should from the standpoint that I think it may help others. It also sheds some light on progress, I believe, that LifeFlow is no doubt responsible for. For that I give my thanks to Michael.
Initially this post made me angry. Why? Because all I can ask for in my life right now is peace. I have no business asking for anything more.
Why? One might ask! Well because my mind has been in knots much of the time and until right now I couldn't or wouldn't acknowledge it.
Now this is where LF enters the picture. This is the first time in a very long time I've been able to be completely honest about this fact and I believe it is LF that has allowed me to look at this with pure honesty. Without brutal honesty there is nothing. Again, I thank you, Pollyanna, for triggering it.
I'm going to share a little about myself here as an explanation as to why one might feel the way I do. I DO NOT do this for the sake of sympathy. Only to shed some light on why one would end up seeking something as simple as peace. I thought I had worked through all of the feelings surrounding this incident but obviously I have not.
In 1993 I was in a squabble with my oldest son and the night of the squabble he died inadvertantly. I guess I've never completely reconciled myself to this episode in my life. Up until today, about 30 minutes ago, I thought I had.
During meditation I have been having thoughts rise from back during this time and I've been able to look at them for what they are and release them. As I type this I guess I believe that things are actually going good (this IS progress isn't it). I mean there is progress in realizing that I've suppressed this up to this point even though the thoughts have been released (or at least I thought I released them). Jeez the mind is a tricky place to hang out.
It has become obvious to me that through a combination of LF and meditation; there is any number of things one can reconcile.
So Pollyanna and Michael thanks again. Someday, because of you two, maybe I can allow myself to seek something other than peace.
Until then, I can begin to look honestly at the thoughts that arise before me at anytime in meditation or not.
gus
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