What is now in my mind that tend to disturb me is that I tend to have lots of questions about my existence; about the significance of the world. I tend to hate all those selfish people building all their material wealth on this earth everytime I hear negative news about poverty, corruption, etc.
I don't know what is currently happening in my mind. I am just confused about achieving goals and reaching dreams and gaining pride with ourselves. I just hate all those selfish people who are constantly craving for material wealth and pride and trying to acquire superiority by hitting those who are weak. I even hate myself-- my ego which is the source of my pains that I had from my past and in the present moment.
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I know how you feel. I know a lot about what goes on in the world and why, it is indeed very depressing and sad. I live a fairly comfortable life but sometimes it seems like its never enough and yet so many people have literally nothing because of where they are born. I know it doesn't have to be this way but it is because of a handful of greedy people. I want to help people but I really don't know how I don't have resources, if I just flew to a third world country I would just end up being another hungry mouth to feed. I try to spread information to wake people up to whats going on but the US is full of zombies who only believe what they see on the news or from the government. They either don't care or will not even attempt to learn. It is very frustrating it at times feels like the weight of the worlds on my shoulders, like simply knowing makes me responsible. In the end you can only do so much, as long as we make an effort that is enough. I know even if their minds are trapped their souls will always be free, no one can take that from you.
I know what its like to feel alienated, I spend a lot of time in solitude. I have a hard time making friends because people don't seem to have an interest in me, i have like zero charisma. I went a whole year of High school without making one friend or acquaintance. It never really bothered me, what bothered me most was the people whom those flocked too i thought whats so great about them? How the social system worked just would not make sense for me and still doesn't. I have a few friends now and I trust them with my life I feel its all about quality. I'm physically disabled and its honestly doesn't bother me, what bothers me is being treated different, not being seen as an equal. Either people being too nice or people trying to avoid me because i make them feel uncomfortable. I once was when i was 12-13 playing with some younger kids in a play pen and I was throwing them in the air and they were really enjoying it, I walked up to a little girl and asked if she would like me to toss her and she stared at my hand and i could see the fear in her eyes, she was really afraid of me. That really hurt me and I know its not her fault but it still hurts. i heard this somewhere "You can't understand life while you live life", You can't try to analyze everything, you've gotta just enjoy whats in front of you at the time. You might have a bad day and think of nothing but how bad it was but if you do that you might miss a pretty flower on your way home or a interesting cloud that passes by. Have you heard of wayne dyer or deepak chopra? Their teaching seems to resonate well with me and hopefully they can for you as well.
"we do not attract into our lives what we want; we attract what we are, and what we are is nothing more then the beliefs about what we are and what we are capable of doing." -wayne dryer
I hope you can overcome this obstacle placed in your path on your way to enlightenment
