Volcom,
You need to seek the assistance of a medical professional and you need to do it today, right now. Suicidal thoughts are nothing to be trifled with. They aren't something you go online looking for help to deal with. If you're in the USA, check your phone listings for a Crisis Hotline or Suicide Prevention Hotline, or something with a similar name. Every city has such a number. If you can't find it, call directory assistance and ask for any number to a Crisis Hotline. They'll know what number to give you. If you can't find that number ask for one called the "Council on Aging and Disability" and call them. Tell them you need a referral to a Crisis Prevention Hotline. If you're not in the US but elsewhere, I don't know what the specific name of the group or agency is, but I'm certain if you call your version of directory assistance they could tell you immediately.
Do take this seriously. No one on this or any other forum is qualified to advise you at this point, and any medical professionals who are members of this community will tell you flat out they would not attempt to advise you under this format. From your description you are WAY past the point at which you should be trying to self-treat. So please, look up one of those phone numbers I mentioned and call them right now.
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