Thank you both, seriously, thank you.
I had a pretty rough day yesterday and reading your two posts really did fill me with some hope. I called my dad just to catch up but now ever time I talk to him I swear I come away genuinely questioning my mental health, my path in life, where I am right now. Half of it is his perspective of who I am and what I'm doing, but I know that half of it is me. I really am a bit of a mess right now. There are times where I do feel genuinely myself and happy, but there are also times, much more frequent and long lasting where I get scared like I've never felt before in my life. Its so strange. Like it feels like now I'm playing for everything. I feel as if this is it, I'm here in Brighton, with no one around me that understands me, as a person (sense of humor etc.) and belief wise. I've never felt so alone in my life, which is strange because I've got my best friend in the world, doesn't live with me but we speak every day, and I thank god that he is in my life because he is the only true sense of divinity and self coming through right now. But the sense of being alone comes from almost a sense of where am I? Am I with me? Because its almost like I see myself going deeper and deeper within myself daily, on the whole. And I know that I can never be lost, I can never get to a stage where I am lost for good as once in a while I pop back out as much as I ever have, but the thing that worries me is my perception of what is happening, I cannot be lost but there are times when I do not feel this truth at all. My worry could drive me down to a place where for whatever reason I am too far gone, in my mind I am lost for good.
I know where I am is an important place for myself, I know I am in the early stages of a personal powerful story. I am either at the start of the best success story I could ever imagine, making it in every sense of the word, the seeds are all there. Or I could be watching first hand the story of someones life unraveling to the point of needing serious medical help, or to suicide. And I hate saying that, I hate playing the 'woe is me' card, but I really mean it. Its so weird that I'm writing this about my own life, when I think about it the position I'm in seems so surreal, but it is as it is.
The thing is I know everything I want in life, everything that I desire, and even, as far as I know, how to get it. I would love to make it with everything I keep promising my family and every person around me I will, by fully learning to speed read and then teaching it. I would love to be surrounded by people that are completely like me, have a great realtionship, etc etc. But in truth these are all beautiful bonus', the icing on the most fantastic cake ever built. All I really want, like reeally want (I know I know, not helping lol) is to feel the way I feel on occasion. I slip into this mode sometimes where I am in bliss, its on a scale of course and some times I'm flying high while sometimes its indescribable compared to day to day life. I've been going in and out of them day to day, week by week for about 3 years now, and Its pretty much all I've thought about since. It lead me care about nothing but the mood, to realise that you could be in the best situation in the world and the worst mood and it would be horrible, or vice versa and it would be incredible. So this made me realise at a fairly young age that pretty much everything else in the world, everything material, is next to meaningless. Its all about feelings, and since feelings can be totally independent of the external world, feelings is all I'm after. This way of thinking of course led me from a deep interest in psychology to a much deeper interest in spirituality, once I realised that this what I was going through was not independant to me, it wasn't just some chemical imbalance in the brain, it wasn't bi-polar, it was all of those things and much more, it was what what every person on this planet, conscious of it or not, was trying to archive. The path to peace.
So now im here, wondering why I'm even writing this as I know where I am, where I want to go, even how to get there. I know I walk around day to day wanting to be free, wanting to be funny, wanting to be connected to that genius that flows through me when the stars align just right. I know that I walk around wanting to be
there, to be on this level, the biggest irony of them all. Wanting wanting wanting. I know that this is the only thing keeping me from my desires is the amount I want them, I not only know this intellectually any more, but experimentally as well. I know that the level lies in deep knowing not deep wanting. The feeling that I know that I am everything I desire I could ever be, I have nothing to prove, nothing to want, only the desire to experience what I already know. I know that when I am on the level I want
nothing! I want to want nothing haha. I know that deeper than all of this when on the level I come from a place of unconditional acceptance, both for myself and for everything I encounter, and this leads on to unconditional love, which only furthers the process. I know that it is this unconditional love that disolves my wants, for why would I want to have do or become anything when I have everything I could ever need: love for the self. I know that this love propels me skyward, far from the restraints of the ego, the insecurity, the wants, the falsehood. I get to see clearly as day that these are illusions. How could they not be, they are absulutely needless for what I desire to do and be. I know that with the abolition of all of these illusions, all of this falsehood, I am free to see the beauty in everything, because of course that is all there is. I know that this is where true genius comes from; clarity and nothing more.
But how do you do it, how do I make this me all the time? Is it through the law of attraction? Envisioning this as truth for 20-30 minutes a day and living in gratitude until eventually everything cracks, and I'm free. Or through deep meditation, or constant dedication, being careful not to fall into the trap of wanting. I'm sure of course its a combination of the above,
but I suppose its just hard, making it work, constantly, especially when I have invested so much of myself in it. I feel as if I've put all on red and spun. Maybe I need to lighten up a bit lol.
But I thank you both again, from the depth of my heart for your support and encouragement. Franz: your routine is now my routine, if you don't mine me stealing it
. I will take it, make it make love to my dreams, and hopefully they will give birth to a beautiful baby that is ma life.
Pollyanna I am in the process of reading through your story, I read the first post earlier today, the one with the poem, truly beautiful. I mean that. And I can relate so much.
"Some people were told of the seed in the ditch,
they laughed and they shouted "Impossible" which
could have shrivelled the tiniest roots of the seed,
but the grower ignored them - continued to feed
the small seed of hope which no one believed
could grow and survive in the ditch full of weeds."
Knowing that you felt so much opposition against your beliefs and dreams but continued to counter that with hope no matter shows me that it can be done, and that I too can do it.
I like this forum, you guys are lovely. I think I might stick around
