Hey all, I was wondering if anyone had a cheek bit of advice for me.
I want this, I want to make this, everything, work more than anything else. I know that right now in my life I have been given this wonderful gift which is my current situation, and I have been given it so that I can get my s*!t together, get my head together, more than anything get my energy aligned with where it needs to be.
Right now I have just moved to Brighton with 3 other people that I don't really know or necessarily get on with (the person who is so so much more than just a best friend of mine was first intended to come but then it all got messed up and now is staying there which now makes perfect sense to me. This is my time, my dojo). I am on benefits (for the time being, don't worry I don't intend on being a benefits monster, now is just too perfect for me to gather myself together, and make myself into the person I can be and ultimately give something back), I have so much free time to meditate, practice my speed reading which is intended on becoming my trade, and just generally be happy, be for filled.
I see so much potential inside of me, I can feel it, it comes out to an extent on regular occasions. But I can also feel so much working against that. So many habits, beliefs, outside influences that overpower my creative desires. Its like i've got so much water running against me when im swimming upstream, and its hard, like really hard to keep swimming. And I feel like every time I let it slip, I get stoned, or I get depressed and want it too much and too soon, or I just simply don't live consciously I feel like im swept back to where I started and im not making any real long term progress at all.
And the weird thing is that I
know, like I really know what to do, for the most part anyway. I know that to get what I desire I must stay thankful, stay hopeful, live in the idea of how incredible my desires are, simply that, live in awe of them while at the same time be in awe of the present moment. I know that the feeling that I slip into onto occasion where I feel so free, so creative, genuinely connected to true genius, I know that that comes from a feeling of deep knowing, of unconditional love for the self, of seeing only the beauty in everyone and everything. I even know how to get there, that it will take so much dedication and time, that it is enevetable that is the only place I will arrive for it is tha only direction im heading. However I loose my way so much, I live with people who for the most part not only subtly laugh at the idea of my beliefs, but also at everything that they believe is different or should I say 'worse' than them. And I try to see the beauty in this situation, and at times I honestly do, because I know that when I learn to swim up this stream I will be stronger than I could ever imagine. But like the case with everything I have mentioned, the difference between theory and practice is becoming more and more imminent, constant practice is hard.
I meditate, but I don't do so deeply, I live consciously, but I don't do so constantly. I am willing to do anything and everything to make this work, like big time, this is the time in my life when it is right for it I can feel it. This is my dojo. I don't even know why im writing this if im honest, maybe im looking for techniques for deeper meditation, healthier and truer living, exercises or places to go. Or maybe even a little support or some guidance telling me that I'm heading in the right direction. Whatever it is I thank you from as deep as I can feel as this is everything to me, spirituality I genuinely believe is everything, and I know I have the potential destiny to become my full self, to teach, to live, to inspire, just as anyone does. Its just down to me whether I make that happen or not.
Ps with the smoking of the marajuiaanna, I know that is working against me and I am in the process of cutting down to something realistic that is going to help me. Once a month or so compared to at times once a day at least.
p.p.s sorry this message is so long
p.p.p.s I love you
