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[GilesC]

Hy Mythrill, and welcome to the community.

Originally Posted by Mythrill

I'm delusional of mankind in general: my impression is that people around me have a rotten heart, and they will treat people different from them as inferior beings;

This is human nature, unfortunately, but that doesn't mean that it applies to everyone. Be assured, there are people out there who do not judge others in this way; people who are working towards bettering themselves, not at the cost of others, but inclusive of others. This forum is just a small window into a part of that, as I'm sure you'll find out in your time here.

I also notice that me being in the presence of these people influence me negatively, and sometimes I see myself judging people when I should not, and I don't feel I have the strength to face them. So I usually prefer to stay away.

Recognition that others are having a negative influence on us, is the first part of taking control for yourself and preventing it. If you don't know it's there you can't stop it, but once you become aware of your Self and how you are re-acting, you can start to act, rather than re-act. So, well done for recognising that in yourself.

I also have a "blocked mind". I can write well, but when I speak to people, my mind "blocks", and I lack the same fluency I do in written texts.

Maybe surprisingly to some, I'm a little like this myself. In conversations, I tend to be the "listener" rather than the "talker" most of the time yet, when it comes to the written word, such as on forums etc., I can articulate just as you describe. This isn't a "blocked" mind, nor is it an issue, but simply a recognition of how you "interface" to the world. There is no right or wrong way to interface, the only thing that makes us feel it is wrong is ourselves, based on ideas we have from observing others.

I have some friends who are fully confident at standing up in front of people and talking and rallying them up, really getting them into the flow of the discussion or teaching or whatever it is they're doing. I'm not really a "stand up in front of people and talk" type of person, but it used to make me a nervous wreck to do it, and now, after time doing complementary therapies and meditation, I'm a lot better at it; I'm more in control and simply do not take on any ideas of being judged by those listening... after all... if they have a problem with what I'm saying, it's their problem to deal with... not mine!

Given time, practice, meditation, therapy etc. we all learn and we all change. We will never be the same person in this world tommorrow as we are today. So why hold onto what we think of ourselves today... this will just hold us back.

Additionally, I can't picture things when I'm awake, but sometimes, when I'm about to go asleep, I can see lucid pictures.

People's perceptions vary from person to person.
There are 3 basic types... Visual (seeing), Kinesthetic (touchy feely ), Auditory (sound; listening; speaking).
Whilst we all have some level of each of these things, most people will exhibit a primary type. You can often tell the primary type of a person by the way they mainly talk... e.g.

"I can see what you're saying" (Visual type person)
"What you're saying feels right" (Kinesthetic type person)
"I hear what you're saying" (Auditory type person)

So, you're primary type isn't visual. That's ok. It's easy enough to translate what someone requests of us into our own type. e.g. if you're doing a guided meditation and they say "See yourself sitting at the base of a tree", and you know you have trouble visualising this, you can simply "feel" what it is like at the base of the tree or "hear" it depending on your type.

It's possible to train ourselves to work with the other perceptions, and meditation, brain entrainment etc. can help with that.

Noticing I had these problems, I tried self-help behavioral therapy. It did work wonders for my panic attacks, but I didn't feel motivated to log all my feelings, and I obviously made no further progress.

You will always be progressing. Maybe not consciously, but there will be progression. As already mentioned above, recognition/awareness of your issues is the start to dealing with them. You know what your issues are, and that awareness will assist you in bring things to you that can help you to deal with them. It could be that that awareness has brought you to Project Meditation; some unconscious knowledge that tells you that meditation will help.

I had tried meditation before, as a kid. So I decided to try it again, but applied to these kinds of compulsions and my short attention span. So, after subscribing, I received an email with this piece of conversation:

I pictured myself in a similar situation - I knew my toughts were already there, but I didn't feel the "click" on how they could be cloudering my creativity. I do face a dilemma: should I let these criticizing go, and never question them, or question them and try to learn from them, at the expense of a great emotional breakdown? I guess the biggest problem here is on how I'm being emotionally affected by them, so the best I can think of now is to accept them and don't get too emotionally distressed.

Only you can decide what you really want to do with your thoughts. Meditation will certainly help them to become more peaceful.

The truth is that the thoughts are based on things from the past.... past experiences, past teachings, past thoughts. These thoughts are not what is here and now in the present moment, but you are using those past based thoughts to create an idea of what the future is, yet the future is only determined by what is here in the present moment.

So, simply put (although not always so simply practiced), yes, you can choose to let go of the critisizing, negative, restrictive thoughts.

During meditation, if you find thoughts come into your mind, simply observe them and avoid getting caught up in following the thought or judging it or questioning it (as this is just more thoughts). By observing the thought, and recognising it is just a though and not the true present moment, it will dissolve away by itself.

Once again, welcome and I look forward to seeing you around.

Hugs

Giles